The Lannister family's new endeavor.

Game of Thrones Season Recap and Analysis (spoilers)

Hello, fellow GOT fanatics! Christmas is coming!

You know the story from the first two seasons: Ned Smart and his family left their home in Winterland and went to the big city to work for King Trident, but betrayals occurred and the king died in a paperwork accident, setting into motion a series of calamities culminating in Ned getting his neck cut off by Eldimeer the Jick (spoiler). Then King Trident’s son, Mark, struggled to fight off the advances of seven other claimants to the throne of Westworld — Ned’s son Pete, Trident’s brothers Rembert and Jervis, Gristabold the Rake, and a couple more. Blood was shed, clothing was shed, and people lived in sheds. It also turned out that the Lumineer family, from evil father Timwell down to daughter Clovis, were all having relations with one another (spoiler).

But season 3 upped the stakes in a big way. Much has been made of Gwympeth of Ort and her heroic journey to bring Shawn Lumineer home from the salt mines, but what was often overlooked in major reviews of that storyline was that Shawn constantly found covert ways of hurling Ragglebones the sheep into the ocean to root for sustenance (spoiler). Maybe G. R. R. Martian and the showrunners were saying something about the recent New York City maintenance workers’ strike, yes? No?

Queen Rainblow of Horse Crossing developed into a major character in season 3, of course, but her baby elephants developed even further — because they grew up into adult elephants! (spoiler.) The elephants were part of one of the season’s most shocking scenes, wherein one of them accidentally gored Hurffendyor of Gloylthyth and his sister, Katie, at the county hog parade. This reviewer, for one, had to cover his eyes when that happened (spoiler).

Other big moments: Regent Skiffly and Corporal Payne opened a Kinko’s franchise, and Teargust Lumineer found the magic burrito of Jogsilty Barrow (spoiler). Also, Jomb Snopes climbed the cliffs of Icetown. He almost fell down — yikes!

Of course, season 3’s biggest moment was a tragic one, as Pete and Tiffany Smart, along with Pete’s whole junior tennis team, were murdered in the now-infamous Massacre at the Solstice Barbecue (spoiler). How many Smarts are left now? “Not many,” of course, is the answer to that one. Just Bart the Coyote-Whisperer and a couple of his sisters remain as links to the lordship of Winterland, and they are, as of the season finale, on the run from the persnickety Shanty Clan. So sad! This reviewer, for one, cried into his pillow for many nights in a row following all the deaths — and not just because of his personal problems (spoiler).

Let’s hope it doesn’t take too long for HBO to release season 4! Let’s also hope G. R. R. Martian doesn’t die or anything before the series is over! And never forget Ned Smart’s favorite warning to his daughter Elizabeth: Christmas is coming!

About Zack Newkirk

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