10 Best Things To Sleep with After a Break Up

Samantha Gilweit, contributor

So you’re single again. And the shittiest part about being single again is sleeping by yourself. And while they could never fully replace your former significant other, here are Savage Henry’s Top Ten replacements for a human body so you’ll feel less alone:

1)   Pillow

Pros: Inexpensive, readily available, inanimate so no worries about being considered too “needy”

Cons: Lack of conversation, possible allergies


2)   One Night Stand

Pros: Sex

Cons: Looking at them sober. Finding their shoes. Surprise dad-bod


3)   Dog

Pros: Warmth, Loyalty

Cons: Dog Farts, Hair, Strange Noises


4)   Child*

Pros: Adorable

Cons: Expensive, Small knees/possible conflict with genitals, Always the Big Spoon


5)   Blow Up Doll

Pros: Human-shaped

Cons: Light hissing noise as air escapes. Plastic doesn’t absorb tears


6)   Your Phone

Pros: You already had it in your hand anyways

Cons: Very small, brain cancer


7)    Best Friend

Pros: They know you really well

Cons: They know you really well


8)   Gay Best Friend

Pros: Fun pajamas, good conversation, sex if you’re drunk

Cons: None


9) Damon Wayans, Jr.

Pros: Really funny, great bone structure, famous

Cons: Rare, expensive, possible interaction with other Wayanses


10) Yourself

Pros: Learning to be independent and strong while facing extreme sadness. Not having to pretend to be interested in reading

Cons: Boring, Having to lay on your own arms until numb so it feels like a stranger is hugging you, expensive, regular farts, strange noises
*Your child. Not someone else’s kid. That’s a crime.

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