Savage Henry Independent Times The West's Humor Magazine
Related Articles
Samantha Gilweit, contributor
So you’re single again. And the shittiest part about being single again is sleeping by yourself. And while they could never fully replace your former significant other, here are Savage Henry’s Top Ten replacements for a human body so you’ll feel less alone:
1) Pillow
Pros: Inexpensive, readily available, inanimate so no worries about being considered too “needy”
Cons: Lack of conversation, possible allergies
2) One Night Stand
Pros: Sex
Cons: Looking at them sober. Finding their shoes. Surprise dad-bod
3) Dog
Pros: Warmth, Loyalty
Cons: Dog Farts, Hair, Strange Noises
4) Child*
Pros: Adorable
Cons: Expensive, Small knees/possible conflict with genitals, Always the Big Spoon
5) Blow Up Doll
Pros: Human-shaped
Cons: Light hissing noise as air escapes. Plastic doesn’t absorb tears
6) Your Phone
Pros: You already had it in your hand anyways
Cons: Very small, brain cancer
7) Best Friend
Pros: They know you really well
Cons: They know you really well
8) Gay Best Friend
Pros: Fun pajamas, good conversation, sex if you’re drunk
Cons: None
9) Damon Wayans, Jr.
Pros: Really funny, great bone structure, famous
Cons: Rare, expensive, possible interaction with other Wayanses
10) Yourself
Pros: Learning to be independent and strong while facing extreme sadness. Not having to pretend to be interested in reading
Cons: Boring, Having to lay on your own arms until numb so it feels like a stranger is hugging you, expensive, regular farts, strange noises
*Your child. Not someone else’s kid. That’s a crime.
