Adam Jacobs, contributor
Look, we all know that Noah was full of shit and the 10 commandments weren’t really about morals and whatnot, they were about pizza. The glorious food that is bound to be President one day, if we are lucky. Stop trying to act like you wouldn’t vote for pizza.
Anyway, Jesus was crazy about pizza. So was everyone else, but Noah changed the Ten Commandments on the fly because he was a calzone guy. What a fuckwad. He hated pizza so much that he lied to us all. So I took back the truth, and for the first time… here are the actual 10 PIZZA COMMANDMENTS!
1 – Thou shalt be made with Mozzarella cheese, not any of that bullshit Provolone. Leave that for sandwiches. You can add many other cheeses, but the base must and always has to be Mozzarella cheese.
2 – Thou shalt be cut into slices big enough to hold in one hand but not too big. Well, I guess there is no too big. Gimme all dat pizza.
3 – Thou shalt take a bite before you let it cool, so your mouth feels pain. Your mouth must be punished for being a bad boy before it can taste that delicious pizza. Remember: PAIN BEFORE PIZZA.
4 – Thou shalt not try and pull a fast one over us by passing off that lame-ass flatbread as a bullshit pizza. You crazy.
5 – Thou shalt know the pecking order of pizza places. From worst to first: Pizza Hut, Papa John’s (he’s a creepy little fucker), Little Caesars, Domino’s, your local neighborhood shop! Always support the local shops, unless they are closed or there’s a sweet deal on stuffed-crust hot dog-infused pumpernickel pizza from Papa Caesars.
6 – Thou shalt throw in on the pie if you want a slice of said pie. No freebies here. You gotta pay to play. We all have PayPal or Venmo now, you cheap bastard, so no more excuses…
7 – Thou shalt tip the delivery driver every time, and if they are late, you may deduct money from tip in front of delivery person to really make a point.
8 – Thou shalt ask if anyone wants the last slice of pizza before you take it. The required waiting time after asking is 2 seconds… if no one speaks up, the slice is yours.
9 – Thou shalt never dab grease off the pizza with a napkin or paper towel. What, do you hate flavor? Fucking savages.
10 – Thou shalt eat the crust and all of it before grabbing your next slice.
If you want to really enjoy the wonderful world of pizza and not act like a Nazi when someone tries to order pineapple on a pizza — cuz it’s actually not that bad, you dingus — then take these commandments to heart.