10 Things You Must Do Before the End of Summer

Paul Danke, contributor  

With July Fourth in our rearview so moves us out of the patriotic holiday rock block that is Memorial through Independence Day and into the grime and sweated funk of late summer. The days are hotter, and grow increasingly thoughtless and meandering. The freckled are more freckled, the moustache’s seem less ironic and once fresh summer haircuts have grown longer now than even usual- running bleached by the sun; even the homeless seem a little less downtrodden with their skin glowing golden brown like a luau’s succulent pig. Yearbooks have gone from thoughtful well wishes to joint rolling kiosks. Basically this time is the best.

The late summer has always been a favorite time of mine, you know that Autumn is approaching so this is the time to call in sick a bunch of times and really sneak in a bunch of fun shit. After all summer unofficially ends on Labor Day and wouldn’t the unions want you to take your weekends off?! Of course they would, unless you’re getting time and a half and then of course, hey – you’ve got child support due and that jetski isn’t paying off itself now is it?

Without further ado, here are the 10 things you must do before for the end of the summer:

1. Take a moment and stretch deeply. (Two years ago I got tennis elbow playing frisbee in the park, not even ultimate or disc golf.) Stretching is non negotiable.

2. Drink a glass of water – big glass, full, drink it.

3. Reflect on how lucky you are to have the space to stretch and water to drink. Maybe also go and volunteer somewhere, at the VERY LEAST pack it in/pack it out.

4. It’s warm enough to have sex on the beach – this is your window. Go do it.

5. Boogie boards are pretty much all 50% off this late in the summer.

6. Smoke a cigar with the old cuban guys at a coffee shop.

7. It takes 9 hours to make iced coffee at home so plan ahead.

8. Make overalls your “go-to” they’re a great way to beat the heat and look coolest w/o a shirt underneath or as little a shirt as possible. You do you.

9. Get into exotica an amazing musical genre – look up Arthur Lyman. The best.

10. Have fun in the sun, get laid in the shade.

In the spirit of summer I will leave you with the words of a wandering ice cream salesman I met on the beaches of Marina Del Ray:

… some sun is great but too much is too much, wear sunscreen, use condoms and get tested for aids…

The author Paul Danke’s birthday is in late August, please send all gifts c/o Savage Henry Magazine. Paul is a resident of Los Angeles, is a Virgo and loves fun hats. Also come see Paul perform at the S.H.I.T.S. & Giggles fest! 

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