William Toblerone, contributor
In response to your letters, I’m getting crafty with my word processor/turntable to bring you some tasty mixes of big events from the 90s. This article be mad pumpin’!
The world was astounded by the news of Dolly the Sheep, the first mammal to be cloned from an adult somatic cell! The excitement was met with extreme caution, as the world imagined where this astounding development might lead us. Nobody guessed that the next mammal to be cloned would be none other than O.J. Simpson! Whhhaaaat? That’s right. We were able to double the amount of supporting roles in movies and professional football analysis that Mr. Simpson could accomplish. One was stationed in Los Angeles, while the other worked the New York market. Being identical in psychological substance, both of them eventually got all stabby on people and stabbed them with their stabbers. L.A. O.J. was acquitted after a lengthy trial, but N.Y. O.J. swiftly got all crispy in an electric chair. Because that shit don’t fly in New York.
Desert Storm was really starting to heat up, and it looked as though the U.S. armed forces were going to have a much tougher battle than they had envisioned. They needed a more effective method of eliminating the enemy. Enter the Unibomber! Oh yeah. Under his supervision, a giftwrapped package was mailed to all 450,000 Iraqi soldiers. When they started opening them, they blew up like victims in a Smurf cartoon. And no matter how many times they saw their fellow soldiers explode, they couldn’t stop opening them because, hey, this one might actually be a nice cardigan.
After a two month standoff with the ATF, the militant religious commune in Waco, Texas seemed like they might be able to hold out for several months to come. But it took a sudden turn when Rodney King stepped out onto the front porch to retrieve the newspaper. All manner of law enforcement became enraged at the very sight of him, so they surrounded him and clubbed him with their clubbing sticks. Unable to contain their momentum, they just went on into the compound and set all the curtains on fire. It spread.
The world bought tickets in droves to see the box office smash Titanic. Everyone knew that the ship is going to smash into an iceberg, but few knew that the navigation system shut down because the computers on board were not ready to handle the rollover from 1911 to 1912. Who knew that Y1.912K would be so disastrous?