The 2017 Drug Awards

Evan Vest, contributor

 

2017 was a great year for drugs. The world started falling to shit and the young people decided to get high. Here are the best things that really enhanced our drug experiences in 2017.
Best Experience on Molly Award – That Fancy Hotel Carpet

You guys remember how GOOD that carpet felt! Man, I wish my room was made of that stuff. I would be in there giving my bros back rubs all day.

 

 

 

Best Subject to Talk About on Cocaine Award – Your Plans for the Future

I think my dad’s clothing brand is really going to take off, I’m hoping he is going to give me a job, I’m planning on going back to school but there is some shit with my ex I have to take care of and hey, can you pass the mirror?

The DMT Lifetime Achievement Award – Joe Rogan

No one has truly woken the masses and has offered profound insight into the inner workings of the spiritual world quite like the guy who used to host Fear Factor and does commentary for MMA matches.

 

Worst Thing to Watch on LSD Award – Cable Television

Why do they put commercials inside of other commercials?! And is Matt Damon really the guest on every talk show tonight? This censored version of Pulp Fiction is messing with my head. “Say ‘What’ again, Mother Teresa!”

You Got Your Friend Too Stoned Award – Dabs

Ah man, I knew Brandon couldn’t handle these dabs. Looks like he is going to be sitting on my couch for longer than I thought. He better not drink all the juice. My mom is gonna be pissed.

 

The Wholesome Award – Caffeine

Nothing better than a drug you can share with the family! Mom’s lit on espresso while Junior is grasping the reins on top of a Red Bull. If you’re looking for a way to get lifted as a family unit, caffeine is sure to bring everyone together.

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