<> on September 11, 2010 in Cincinnati, Ohio.

21 Safe Bets

In today’s gambling world, you really have to watch where you lay your money down. In America there is a lot of money being made off of people accidentally screwing up. Chances are pretty good that you too have been taken advantage of by someone with the position and tools to do so. These days, I am very careful when and where I risk losing my shit. The following is where I draw the line.

I bet I am just trying to help.

I bet you are reading this.

I bet that in horse racing all of the horses really lose.

I bet you can’t name each of Pete Rose’s 4,256 hits.

I bet you can’t name each of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins 4,256 kids.

I bet Edward Snowden has spied on someone.

I bet Star Trek condoms glow in the dork.

I bet chickens get laid more than any other species.

I bet porn stars stick together.

I bet that if Godzilla were alive today, he would eat Turkey on Thanksgiving.

I bet Dr. Pepper doesn’t actually have any real pepper in it.

I bet Crystal Pepsi didn’t have any real crystal in it.

I bet Humpty Dumpty was a crackhead.

I bet Joan Rivers was very polluted.

I bet “Said no one ever” said no one ever.

I bet every time you kill a kitten, God masturbates.

Where’s my friggin’ car keys? He’s the dickbrain that knows. If I knew anything, would I be in this butthole class? Don’t give me this “Ole!” bullshit! Manilapede says “More dogs than people.” Remember when Demon said: “Damn enchiladas!”? Electricity drips from every pore. Around the world in seconds. Man, it turned me on. Do the desperate, the desperate. A kitty for your head, and a lightbulb shining in your eye. I love U… nicorns. The burn on my arm was starting to look like Freddy Krueger’s balls. I bet you have no idea what I am talking about.

I bet the human race has a Finnish line.

I bet the end is rear.

I bet you haven’t read this far.

I bet I don’t really bet.

About Dutch Savage

Dutch Savage is a very private person.

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