30 Inches or Less

Zeke Herrera, staff


[A man wearing khaki shorts, a baseball hat, and a red polo shirt anxiously rings the doorbell at a large mansion. A woman answers wearing nothing but a robe]


Steve: Hi, I’m Steve. Are you Debra?

Debra: Yes, how can I help you?

Steve: I’m the prostitute you ordered.

Debra: Oh, please come in.


[Steve enters the building, the two are now sitting at the edge of the bed]


Steve: This is actually my first time selling my wiener.

Debra: I promise I’ll be gentle.

Steve: So how are you?

Debra: Enough small talk…


[Debra jumps on Steve like a raccoon falling in a dumpster. They have sex and are now lying naked across from each other]


Debra: You don’t have to stick around if you don’t want to.

Steve: I’ll take off but I’m going to need that money first.

Debra: Certainly. How much is it?

Steve: $6.50

Debra: You didn’t do a lot of price matching, did you?

Steve: What?


[Debra rifles through her purse]


Debra: I’m so sorry, I think I forgot to get out cash today.

Steve: Well I noticed you had some pizzas in the kitchen.


[Funky-ass 70’s music starts playing]


Steve: What kind do you have?

Debra: Pepperoni and sausage, Hawaiian…


[Debra’s words trail off as Steve rushes to the pizza, still naked. Debra quickly follows]


Debra: Do you want any condiments?

Steve: You know it, baby.


[Steve and Debra stand face to face, Debra’s head slowly sinks down out of frame and slowly comes back up with Parmesan cheese and crushed red pepper packets]


[Steve starts breathing heavily. He’s not pacing his eating well. Debra slaps herself in the face with her pizza, missing her mouth.]


[Debra gags on the crust; it’s a little stale. Steve licks the grease off the top of the pizza before going in on it.]


[Steve is red and sweaty; he probably added too many peppers. He lets out a loud grunt of relief: he’s full.]


[All the cheese and toppings fall off a slice and land on Debra’s chest. She’d normally be embarrassed but this time she just wipes it off and puts it in her mouth.]


Debra: Was it good for you?

Steve: Oh yeah.

About Savage Henry

Check Also

An Article Only About Pot And Marijuana And Nothing Else At All

Tiffany Greysen, contributor   In this article I’m going to talk about smoking pot and …