30 Inches or Less

Zeke Herrera, staff


[A man wearing khaki shorts, a baseball hat, and a red polo shirt anxiously rings the doorbell at a large mansion. A woman answers wearing nothing but a robe]


Steve: Hi, I’m Steve. Are you Debra?

Debra: Yes, how can I help you?

Steve: I’m the prostitute you ordered.

Debra: Oh, please come in.


[Steve enters the building, the two are now sitting at the edge of the bed]


Steve: This is actually my first time selling my wiener.

Debra: I promise I’ll be gentle.

Steve: So how are you?

Debra: Enough small talk…


[Debra jumps on Steve like a raccoon falling in a dumpster. They have sex and are now lying naked across from each other]


Debra: You don’t have to stick around if you don’t want to.

Steve: I’ll take off but I’m going to need that money first.

Debra: Certainly. How much is it?

Steve: $6.50

Debra: You didn’t do a lot of price matching, did you?

Steve: What?


[Debra rifles through her purse]


Debra: I’m so sorry, I think I forgot to get out cash today.

Steve: Well I noticed you had some pizzas in the kitchen.


[Funky-ass 70’s music starts playing]


Steve: What kind do you have?

Debra: Pepperoni and sausage, Hawaiian…


[Debra’s words trail off as Steve rushes to the pizza, still naked. Debra quickly follows]


Debra: Do you want any condiments?

Steve: You know it, baby.


[Steve and Debra stand face to face, Debra’s head slowly sinks down out of frame and slowly comes back up with Parmesan cheese and crushed red pepper packets]


[Steve starts breathing heavily. He’s not pacing his eating well. Debra slaps herself in the face with her pizza, missing her mouth.]


[Debra gags on the crust; it’s a little stale. Steve licks the grease off the top of the pizza before going in on it.]


[Steve is red and sweaty; he probably added too many peppers. He lets out a loud grunt of relief: he’s full.]


[All the cheese and toppings fall off a slice and land on Debra’s chest. She’d normally be embarrassed but this time she just wipes it off and puts it in her mouth.]


Debra: Was it good for you?

Steve: Oh yeah.

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