Let’s face it, we’re all going to die very, very soon. Trump is gonna bomb our dicks off. Well, he’s going to bomb MOST of our dicks off. Some of us will be lucky enough to survive and then live in the horror that is a post-apocalyptic hell. Sure, you might find a place to hunker down for a while, but it’s not like you’re going to be able to watch Judge Judy, so are you REALLY living? No, it will be the ones who have died that are really living. There is a channel that runs Judge Judy 24/7 in heaven.
Plus, you might make new friends, but their bodies will be half-melted. Which you may grow accustomed to and try to convince yourself that it’s sexy, but trust me, it’s fucking gross. Just hope your bunker is underground with absolutely no light if you’re trying to have sex after the bombs drop.
But hey, just cuz humanity is extinct except for you and the rest of the half-melted freaks doesn’t mean you want your house to look like a friggin’ pig sty! So here are some tips and tricks to turn your post-apocalyptic bunker into a post-apocalyptic wonder.
Human Ribcages Make a Great Base for a Chandelier
Put two ribs together and a burning torch in between. Voila! You are the toast of the town with your wonderful new central light. The spacing of a human ribcage allows just the perfect amount of light to escape from your new homemade chandelier,and adds an excellent layer of ambiance to your bunker. Pretty soon people will be coming from all around to sit down, put their stumps up and their stumps behind their heads to sip turd tea and enjoy conversations; at least those of us whose eardrums weren’t disintegrated by the blast.
Put Your Gas in Some Nice Urns Around the House
Look, everyone is going to think that gas is so important in the nuclear wasteland. They will be right, but not for the reason they think. Gas won’t be important for fuel; gas will be important because you can huff it. When you’re living in hell what you are really going to need is a good escape, and when it comes to an escape, gas is the gift that keeps on giving. I know what you’re thinking: “I don’t do drugs!” Well, after you see humanity eviscerated you will, buddy. Actually, who am I kidding? You read Savage Henry. You guys are probably huffing gas right now. Anyway, when you have company over and a kettle full of fresh turd tea, break out a cute urn filled to the brim with gasoline. People will say, “Wow, how cute!” as they get super high to escape the ungodly acts they have been forced to commit just to survive.
Flowers Are Charming
Everyone loves flowers. They look beautiful, they smell beautiful — they’re just beautiful! Nothing smells better than a flower. Plus all the human shit around your house makes great fertilizer. Throw some flower seeds around your house and add some real flair while helping to hide your smell from the packs of ravenous dogs that have acquired a taste for human flesh.
Get Plenty of Good Books
You can beat someone to death with a nice heavy book in a pinch.
Get Cockroaches Out
Cockroaches are now six feet long. We knew they would survive a nuclear blast, but we didn’t know it would cause them to get so big! Now, it might seem tempting to try and befriend a cockroach just because you long to interact with another living thing, and sure, maybe if you train it well enough you can sleep with it and pretend you are snuggling with another human. Maybe you could even grow to love this giant cockroach beast. However, cockroaches aren’t your friends; they are your food. If you start humanizing cockroaches due to your desperate loneliness, then you will very soon have nothing left to eat. Now you’re going to starve while fucking a cockroach and there’s not enough gas to huff in this world to make that seem appealing.