#5 . It makes you look like a unicorn with a troubled past. No unicorns have safety pins in their ears. Also no unicorns were kicked out of their stepdad’s house for selling oxycontin.
#4 . YOU DON’T HAVE A BADASS JOB! You are the assistant night manager at Bennigan’s. That is the least punk you can get. You are less punk than the moose with sunglasses on the Bennigan’s wall. That moose has made you his bitch!
#3 . You take an hour to get ready in the morning. Punk is not a Broadway show! This isn’t CATS, motherfucker! Get out of the damn bathroom! You are a drummer for Christ’s sake; start acting like it!
#2 . It’s a fauxhawk. Seriously, what the hell is the matter with you? If you are gonna have hair like an asshole at least be an adult about it!
#1 . YOUR NAME IS SKYLER! You live in Florida, Skyler! You live in the worst state with the worst name and you have the worst haircut! You are a trifecta of being the worst! Nobody likes you, Skyler! Stop what you’re doing!