5 Tips to Becoming a Jedi

Spencer DeVine, contributor

Being a Successful Jedi is difficult and everyone needs a little help now and then. That is why I’ve compiled five basic tips to help everything go smoothly on your trip through the stars.

Number one, get health insurance. No matter which side you’re on, Sith or Jedi, there’s always a chance you could be cut in half or lose your hand. Why not hit up that worker’s comp insurance and get that fancy robotic hand or a bodysuit to cover your horribly scarred face and body? Hell, you could get hit by a rock in the head by an Ewok when you least expect it.

Number two, attend family reunions. So much confusion can be caused when you don’t know who your family is. If you haven’t met everyone in your immediate family you might murder your father, or, God forbid, kiss your sister on the mouth — gross. So send out those invitations and play some disc golf with Yoda so you’re not an inbreeder by accident; fair trade.

Number three, never build a base on a snow planet because that shit sucks. You gotta imagine that a planet full of snow has gotta be the coldest shit ever; hell, you might even have to crawl inside the carcass of a snow creature to even live through a snowstorm. When have you ever had to do that before? Snow planets are cold, full of monsters, and really easy for the Empire to find. Go to Endor for its beautiful greenery and leave Hoth to be a grumbly ice giant.

Number four, do cool things with your powers. You have the ability to literally shape the world around you. If you gain that sort of power and all you want to do is float your lightsaber to yourself and do medium-level hypnotism tricks, you’re boring. I wish I had superpowers and could fly. I’d just drop bombs on TOP of the AT-ATs and Jedi all Flying Nun style on their butts. Your name is Skywalker and I haven’t seen you walk in the air once!

Number five, don’t work with Jar Jar Binks. That’s a pretty simple one for all Jedis who have a lick of aspiration inside of them. Jar Jar will drag you down and put those aspirations right in his butt (seriously, that’s a thing he would probably do.) He is clumsy, unreliable, and annoying as fuck. Sure, Jar Jar is well intentioned, but he is also a fool who will kill you on accident.


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