6 Things I Told My Therapist That Were Totally Uninteresting to Him

Jason Melton, contributor


  1. I told my therapist, “I don’t like getting oil on my hands because once it gets on your hands and you touch a doorknob the oil stays there so once you wash your hands you get the oil right back if you touch the doorknob again.” He said, “What was the thing you were saying right before this?”


  1. I told my therapist, “If I have 13 e-mails, I have to send myself a 14th email to get rid of the number 13. If I do not, I will feel uncomfortable in my chest until the number 13 is gone. I think it’s some OCD type stuff.” He said, “Okay, a lot of us have ‘OCD type stuff.’ What were you saying right before this?”


  1. I told my therapist I host a stand-up comedy open mic every Thursday. He looked at me blankly until I changed the subject.


  1. I told my therapist that I do not like having sex since I stopped drinking. He said, “I’d be happy to talk about that… sometime. What were you talking about right before this? Seriously. You see people?”


  1. I told my therapist I heard a rumor that the secret service wears a coat with a built-in fake arm so they can keep their real arm on a loaded gun. Ever since I heard this I started thinking strangers on the street have fake arms. Even worse, I have had the incredible urge to grab and squeeze a stranger’s arm to test its authenticity. He said, “I need you to repeat the thing you were talking about right before this. You said you ‘see dead people?’ You’re the kid from The Sixth Sense and I’m Bruce Willis. And I… I’ve been dead the whole time?”


  1. I told my therapist I do not like the texture of mushrooms. He said, “I’ve been dead the whole fucking movie? What the fuck?”

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