A Brief History of Love With Dr. Stephen Hawking

Rob Seltzner, contributor

Dear Dr. Hawking,
I am a great admirer. I have read all your books and regard you as the smartest person of our generation. I am hoping your intellect can extend to a problem I am currently having with my husband. We have been married for 10 years and I just feel like he doesn’t listen to me. I mean really listen. I’m starting to wonder if he even tries to understand me at all. Is divorce the only way out of this?

Dear Claire,
Thank you for your letter. Not being listened to by your spouse is a problem I’m sure we can all relate to at one time or another. However, you know what I bet nobody but myself can relate to? Living in a fucking chair. Your jackass husband doesn’t listen. At least you’ve never had to say “Hey, honey, can you bathe me and wipe the shit from my ass?” There are days when my wife is clearly one missed Luvox away from drowning my ass in the bathtub. Keep your shit in perspective.
Go To Hell,


Dear Dr. Hawking,
I’ve been dating this chick for a while but we haven’t banged yet or nothing. I know she’s young and all but talking just isn’t my thing and that’s all she wants to do. I figure since you’re all smart and shit you might be able to help me. How do I get her to shut up and take her pants off? And are there aliens or what?
Thanks, bro.

Dear Dennis,
Yes, this is a conundrum. Knowing what to say to a woman when you have feelings for her is a problem men have been having since the dawn of time. But, you know what? At least you can speak. Try saying “Baby, I want you” when you sound like a fucking Speak and Spell. You think that gets my woman all hot and horny? Hell no. And I can’t even jack off either. And yes, there are aliens. They routinely violate you in your sleep.
Fuck you.


Dear Dr. Hawking,
I am myself a lifelong scientist. Although I achieved a lot of notoriety in my day (I am currently dead) I feel like my real work will never be appreciated. I have written hundreds and hundreds of important papers on the subject of physics and planetary sciences. Yet, I feel that a few questionable choices with regards to television appearances on PBS and a few badly taken photographs on the back of my books have left me looking “nerdy” and unappealing to the opposite sex. What should I do?

Dear Carl,
Eat me, Sagan. You always thought you were such hot shit. You had the TV shows. The Fame. And you banged every starry-eyed freshman girl the administration of Cornell could throw at you. Well, guess what: I’m the Larry Flynt of Physics, asshole. I drop black holes on motherfuckers. I pass out supernovas like waiters at your funeral were passing out the champagne. One word from me and millions of people question the existence of God. I will see you in hell you hack.
Straight To Your Face,

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