A Hero’s Tail

William Toblerone, contributor

 

I don’t know how you feel about ass. Mostly because only two of you filled out the survey that was sent to everyone on the mailing list. I used to know how I felt about ass until my cranium way overhauled by the summer’s hottest film.

 

I went into this movie with the same preconceived notions that everyone else shared. Sure, Triscuit Man was a great graphic novel and an even better HBO mini-series, but good luck translating onto the big screen.

 

As it turns out, it doesn’t really matter. The plot, special effects, dialogue, and costumes take a back seat to the real draw of Triscuit Man: Whole Grain, Whole Pain. Every subtle inch of this hero is torn from the pages of God’s manual for creating the perfect man. Either I’m not alone on this, or this theater doubles as a campground, because every person I sideways-ogled was pitching a major tent. Even the ladies.

 

Dat ass. What an unrelenting specimen of perfection. I once believed that a person’s sexuality was a choice, but I can’t simply choose away my feelings after experiencing this majestic champion. I remember when my uncle went to one of those camps that makes you heterosexual, and now he and his roommate/spa partner Lyle support each other to resist all the temptations of naked dude tickling. I’m thinking I might have to give that program a try, because everyday I wake up thinking about Triscuit Man’s enchanting rear end in different exotic locations, with a variety of icings and specialty toppings. Sometimes I imagine it flowing from a frozen yogurt dispenser and landing in two perfect half-globes into a cone made from the fabric of my soul.

 

DC and Marvel have done an admirable job of creating a universe that inspires courage and a sense of universal balance, but they can’t hold a candle to the geniuses at Nabisco Films. Instead of spending millions on special effects, they put most of their money into acquiring the greatest leading man the cinema world has ever experienced. There’s so much to like about this new undisputed King of the Big Screen. (Spoilers ahead!) Rather than resorting to the same tired violence that plagues summer action movies, Triscuit Man just shows up on Earth and all the world’s villains eat their cyanide pills rather than face his inevitable dominance. Also, he has significantly raised awareness of the importance of a diet high in whole grain fiber. But I like his general appearance most of all. Specifically, I’m attracted to the two rounded prominences on his superhuman torso that are posterior to the hips and formed by his gluteal muscles and underlying structures.

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