Bryn Robertson, contributor
Are you sick of having sex? Are you tired of being the hottest out of all your friends? Are you exhausted with all of the many, affordable, convenient birth control methods available on the market today? Do you fantasize of developing a fashion allergy? Are you sick of all these rhetorical questions and ready to take responsibility for your life?
Lucky for you, the time is now. It’s suddenly summer, so you’re probably feeling that familiar itch to strip down to your impeccable bikini body, slap on some Stilettos and start collecting jaw drops, phone numbers and one-night-stands.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Now more than ever before it’s getting easier and easier to transform yourself from the raving beauty of yore into the Garfunkle-lunked wallflower you always wanted to be. Before you break down and develop “an anxiety disorder” take a glance at this practical guide and find yourself connecting with the true beauty within. No discount. No refunds.
Step number one: Goggles
Somewhere behind those plastic foggy lenses suctioned to your briny face is a good-looking looker, but lucky for you, know one ever will know. Slap on a pair of these suckers at a public beach and watch as your popularity plummets.
Step number two: Water Wings
Do you really need those to float? No, you don’t. But slip one on each arm and blow yourself up with your newfound inability to get any hotties on the scene to treat you normally. Water wings- the only wearable goods that actually increase your depression the more you inflate them.
Step number three: Foam Noodle
Like the Wings, you don’t really need the non-biodegradable tube for swimming, but you’ll be so busy not getting laid you’ll hardly notice.
Step number four: The Suit
One-pieces with skirts do a particularly good job of screaming “PMS!” “Owns A Million Cats” and “Spelling Bee Champion Three Years In A Row!!” all of which will bring you closer into the self- imposed, ever-shrinking circle of comfort and contraception.