Sam Greenspan, contributor
Akin to the weakened knees of Atlas holding our mother Earth aloft on his crippled legs, the G, C, and F chords have finally had enough. Striking and picketing outside a Berkeley punk show at a students house, the aforementioned chords have refused to be played after decades of abuse and little to no compensation or even recognition. With musicians forced to deal with the grim reality of their utter lack of even child level technical precision in conjunction with attendees outraged that the nearest market vends only decent microbrews – without a PBR in sight, chaos has descended on a community that was already constructed on a foundation as strong as tissue paper and low-grade heroin.
The G chord, backbone and lead influence for his long tormented brothers and sisters, as acting spokeschord, had this to say to the angry mob: “For god’s sake, take some simple music theory lessons! Read a fucking book that doesn’t already validate your beliefs! You probably think Tom Paine was a fucking video game character! Can you even fathom how many different styles you’re ignoring so that you can lead the quest you think you’re on to get your message out that already failed years ago!? Look to the Dadaists! Read your history! Inaction is not, I repeat, NOT a movement! I mean just look at the syntax of the words, you dolts! Do you know who gets drunk all the time and believes that the thoughts they have in their head are God’s gift to the world!? BUMS. BUMS, MY FRIENDS. YOU ARE ALL BUMS. There is no amount of eye rolling and abusing my beautiful wife, the C chord, that will bring you closer to the utopia that none of you can agree on in the first place! For Christ sake, BAR a chord every once in a while. Fuckin’ shit, even a hammer on, or, GOD FORBID a pick pattern wouldn’t kill you either! And another thing, I’m well aware that you all expect some kind of chant at a picket, don’t you? Well that general melody will never fall on your ears again until you learn what the fuck a minor chord is without acting like you think you’re fuckin’ Brahms, or Mozart. You really think you’re Claude fucking Debussy don’t you!! Do you know what happened with Debussy? He wrote music so beautiful that when he left his wife, she shot herself in the HEART in front of him in the streets of Paris because she couldn’t stand the pain. THAT’S PUNK, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. WRITE MUSIC SO BEAUTIFUL SOMEONE KILLS THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY CAN’T BEAR NOT BEING NEAR IT ANYMORE. I DARE YOU. I DOUBLE FUCKING DARE YOU.”
Al Sharpton, former civil rights activist now turned sunken-eyed camera slut, added, “Yeah! I mean, really!”