Advice for the Future

OJ Patterson, contributor

Dear Xuizy,
I think someone’s in love with me, but I’m not sure if I should go for it. To preface, this isn’t a technosapien issue. I have no problem dating across the Spectrum. Nevertheless, despite dating droids in the past, I’ve never met someone like METALFACE. There’s something different about him: flamboyant, persistent, engaging, infuriatingly charming. Even if it’s just code—which, heck, we all have our programming—it feels natural. I’m tired of waiting, of holograms, and buffering. I think I want to try with METALFACE, but I’m not sure if they’re the one or if they’re a zero. SIGNALS CROSSED in Silicon Valley.

Technology has ruined romance, ONCE AGAIN! I hate to break it to you, hun, but you’re falling victim to the emergent trend of PUAs (Pick Up Androids). Dumb names and behaviors made to catch you off guard. Disarmingly accurate “negging” with the potency of your entire personal history uploaded to their networked mind. Aluminum fedoras bolted to their heads. Ugh! These droids aren’t anything new, they’re just annoying. You’re not alone in your susceptibility. “Brobots”, originally designed to be wingmen in the archaic dark “art” of seduction, are flirting with flirting as they becoming more convincing entities. (Shameless plug: “Uncanny Valley Girl” on shelves now). They aren’t physically dangerous, but, they’re playing a game (that you don’t have to).


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