Advice for the lovelorn, curious or just plain confused

Dear Dr. Love,

“Jenny” and I have been in a committed relationship for just more than two years. While on a Carnival cruise last September, I asked her to marry me. She hesitated a little longer than I would have liked, but ultimately she said yes. I’ve rented out a Healdsburg winery for our Thanksgiving wedding. I have taken care of Jenny since the day I met her. Due to the stock market crash of 2008, she lost her job as a bank clerk. Since then, I’ve picked up the rent on her cottage in Loleta. I even bought her a used Mustang when her her 4Runner broke down.

So here’s the problem: Although Jenny and I are in a solid relationship, I feel as though, after all I’ve done for her, I deserve to be able to “enter in the back door” once in a while … know what I mean? But she won’t let me! Jenny is petite — 5’2” and 115 pounds; I’m about 6’2” and 210 pounds — not that I think it matters. But this is her hang-up: Whenever I try  to “enter her back door,” she stops me, explaining that she’s afraid I “won’t fit,” or some other lame excuse.

What I want to know is what’s big deal? This isn’t the year 1950 for chrissake. Sure, I’m a big guy, but everyone else is doing it … so why don’t I get to???

Sincerely,
Hard Up in Eureka

Hard Up,

Well, Hue, yours is a dilemma I hear fairly often. the real issue, when you get right down to it, is about intimacy. you feel as though you are entitled to access jenny’s “rear entrance,” while she seems to be harboring some irrational fear that you are too big. My advice is to force your way into her back door, but do it gradually. start with a finger, then your arm, and then finally, after she’s warmed up to the idea, walk right through her cottage’s back door. you’re paying the rent, after all — thus, you, more than anyone, deserve to walk inside her place however you please. Now, if you’re truly too large to enter her back door, you may need to lubricate. I recommend Crisco.

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