I always light my bitches cigarettes: A GuIde to Fancy Smokes

Kim Hodges, contributor

Cigarettes make us cooler and more desirable in the eyes of hobos, and God damn they feel great in our lungs. There’s nothing I love more than standing against a brick wall with one leg bent, leaning like I don’t give a shit, and inhaling as if no one walking by could understand the power of how cool I think I look.

Here’s some memorable and still enjoyable cigarettes that have made me feel warm, slutty, cancerous, and yes — fancy. Try one, any one! Hell, get a sampler pack. I bet you’ll like it.

Parliaments
Parliament cigarettes are a unique brand because they cater not only to the nicotine addict, but the everyday coke head as well. With a quarter-inch recessed filter, Parliaments are perfect for adding a little bump bump in your chain smoking.

Bensen & Hedges menthol
The emerald box has the word luxury right on the front, with a shiny cellophane ribbon wrapped around it like a present. These are fancy in nature, from the crest on the box to the doctors and pompous assholes who smoke them (like my mom). Note: Extremely potent menthol taste make this brand a horrible partner for mojito night.

Camel no. 9
The brand name “Chanel No. 5” was taken so Camel had to take a different route in naming their new tobacco blend. They came up with something completely original and non-slutty looking and packaged them in black and pink SoCal looking boxes with what looked like a vagina with a penis and legs on the front. In high demand for longer cigarettes, Camel introduced Camel No. 9 Stilettos, their version of a 100. Soon after their debut, every skank in America was all the sudden inhaling and leaning carelessly on brick walls.

*Side Rant: As a devoted Camel Light smoker, let this be a rest in piece reminder of the original Camel Light cigarette blend, which disappeared forever with the new laws and debut of “Camel Blues.” True smokers know the vanilla flavor of the original, something I could only find at hole in the wall gas stations behind the counter for $55 a carton in Fresno after they were taken off the shelves to make room for the new blue boxes. Bummer.

Black cloves
Ugh. Can everyone please stop smoking these? They look slick, sure. But out of all the cigarettes on this list and around the world, these smell the absolute worst and are usually smoked by goth kids, namely because they are easily hidden from their moms when placed in the ear behind their choppy black swoop bangs.

Primetime
Branded as “little cigars,” these were tasty back in high school but these days, I feel like they’re for perverts to keep in the glove box in case a minor walks by wanting a cigarette or some candy. Or some dick. Alas, they’re sold in singles at most liquor stores which can save your cool reputation in the predicament of only having a couple bucks and a lonely brick wall.

FILTER FYI: Before 1960, cigarettes didn’t come prefiltered, so cigarette holders were used in the early 1900s and became an iconic and fashionable accessory for the cool kids. Cigarette holders have been made of jade, tortoise shell, ivory and even silver, making them by far the fanciest cancer filter you can get your hands on short of just smoking a doobie. With holder length for women reaching up to 20 inches (opera length), and capping out at 4 inches for straight men, these clever accessories make the act and art of smoking poison look even more pretentious than us smokers already feel.

 

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