An Open Letter from that VHS Tape from The Ring

Robert Berry, contributor

“SEVEN MORE DAYS!”

It’s been NINE fucking years since I’ve been able to say that! Sure, there was a point where being a cursed video tape that would kill anyone who watched it seven days later seemed like a great gig, but these days? Not so much!

I’ve been sitting in a Goodwill, mistakenly placed inside of a Revenge of the Nerds 2 (Nerds In Paradise) case for EIGHT years now. I’m thinking my days of sending a greasy-haired girl through a TV screen to creatively murder some poor schmuck who watched me are over.

That Necronomicon fella from The Evil Dead films has it easy. I mean, if you see a spooky book with a face on the cover, you’re probably gonna read it out loud! A haunted video tape? Not so much! I know a cursed POG that’s killed more people than I’ve been able to.

Help me out, would you? Seriously! I’ve got FIFTY BUCKS if one of you would transfer me to DVD. I heard that’s the next big thing. Of course, I don’t know because I’ve been in this damn thrift store next to a boxed set of Season 3 of The Gilmore Girls since forever.

Hell, I’ll settle for someone dubbing a copy of me on to the end of the “Chocolate Rain” YouTube video.

Perhaps it’s my punishment for vanity and being technologically shortsighted. I could have taken over my grandfather’s cursed monkey paw gig, or the Zuni Fetish Doll that’ll kill you it you remove the tab, but NOOOOOO, I had to hop on this VHS bandwagon. “It’s the wave of the future”, they said. “BLOCKBUSTER Video has thousands of customers a day,” they said. It’s almost as bad as the time cashed out my 401K to buy 5,000 shares of RadioShack stock.

That evil spirit from The Grudge gets to kill people who just walked into a house! Jason from Friday The 13th has the ridiculously easy qualifier of only killing horny teenagers! It’s just not fair at all!

Unlike those asshole vinyl albums across the aisle that still get bought by hipsters, I don’t think there will be a huge VHS resurgence.

Well, I had a good run and should be happy for what I’ve accomplished.

I used to be somebody.

Regards,

VHS Tape from The Ring

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