Angry Video Game Corner

(Best read in a Boston accent due to the level of anger)
(Due to explicit anger this article is rife with run-on sentences)

Video game realism is on the rise. Whether it’s sexually transmitted diseases in the new Grand Theft auto, Hooligan riot mode in FIFa Soccer or the probable Haliburton involvement in the new Call of Duty. However there is a growing realism trend in video games that needs to be stopped.

That trend is FaRMING IN FUCKING VIDEO GaMES! I paid sixty dollars for this game. I’m not farming shit. Farms in games stink! Period! There is no reason that any character in a video game needs to farm. My kick ass warrior mage can’t go on his quest for the amulet of zargath. Or whatever horse shit RPG name with too many z’s and r’s because he has to feed the fucking chickens! I can’t kill some goddamn goblins because the town of medieval bullshit needs me to harvest rye to make dwarf ale. Let those short assholes make their own ale. I lied about going to the gym so I could stay inside and play video games.

Not virtually check the ph balance on fake rye and toss grain to chickens that have no worldly use for food! Well you might be saying “at least after your chores you can go kill goblins”. No, I fucking can’t! apparently my warrior mage with his cloak of the raven and ridiculously giant axe is too tired to quest. He is all tuckered out from throwing grain to horse shit birds! He had to go to sleep. These games actually make your character take a fucking nap! We, as a video game society have gone from the tireless efforts Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson to being the grain bitches for a town of thatched roofs and douchebags.

But Josh, what about the kids who live in a city or in the suburbs? What about their farm dreams? Dude, fuck those kids send them to a real farm so they can be angry and disappointed about the “magic” of farms. I have worked on a farm and it stinks. Most animals aren’t cute or helpful. In fact most animals care nothing for the laws of man. Cows are jerks! Goats are basically lawnmowers that shit everywhere, and wheat thresher accidents aren’t as sexy as the media makes them out to be.

Let’s take a step back from video game realism. I don’t play MLB: The Show to be a scientist and mishandle piss samples. I don’t play Madden to play as the friend who hides the guns for insert star player name here. Why the shit would I want to farm? I wouldn’t! That’s stupid! VIDEO GaME FaRMS aRE STUPID! WICKED FUCKIN STUPID!

About Josh Argyle

Josh Argyle is a Stand-up comedian and writer. He is the San Francisco bureau chief of Savage Henry Independent Times and contributing writer. He is a co-producer of the S.H.I.Ts and giggles comedy festival in Arcata California. You can check out Joshs website for videos and show dates. Are you still reading this? Jesus we are in a recession, go out and invent some shit.

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