Animals That Would Make Good/Bad Trimmers

The title says it all, so let’s skip the dumb intro and get right to the dumb story:

Good Trimmers

trexweed

Tyrannosaurus Rexes
Short arms allow for maximum efficiency, though he would take up a lot of room in the cabin.

BeaverTeeth

Beavers
Have you seen what they can do to whole trees?

KangarooWeed

Kangaroos
Again, shorter nimble arms, but they’d probably let a bunch of buds “accidentally” fall into their pouch.

TermiteTrim

Termites
Efficient, good at devouring leaves and stems, but you’ll never get rid of them once the season is over unless you call in a specialist. You also don’t have to feed them and they come in groups of like 5,000.

CRABSandLOBSTERS

Crabs and Lobsters
You wouldn’t even need to buy Fiskars.

Bad Trimmers

Stonercat

Cats
They’d take forever, always lay around, and take off for long periods of time without telling anyone where they were going.

GorillaTrimmer

Gorillas
They’d just make the whole scene really tense… Like the awkward silent guy you’ve been sitting next to for 4 days before someone finally told you he’s been on 25 hits of acid since he’s shown up.

FishWeed

Fish
Obvious reasons.

 Snake Trimmer
Snakes
No fingers.

 Bunny Trimmer

Rabbits
They’re fast, like beavers with the teeth, but they always shave down the nug bad, sometimes just annihilating it all together.

 

 

 

 

 

About Chris Durant

Chris Durant has worked at not working for decades. He has held roughly 100 jobs through his employment career, from a driving range ball picker upper to a door to door film salesman. He started his first magazine, Mean Spirited Willie, in Sacramento around 1997. Since then he has been the publisher of Slow Kids Playing, First Draft, Notes From an American Nobody, Fat Llama Spit and Short Bus Magazine. Durant and co-founder Sarah Godlin created Savage Henry after he was shoved aside as the editor of his local daily newspaper’s entertainment magazine. In the early meetings Durant's wife, Monica, and another writer for Northern Lights, Josh Duke, laid down the groundwork for what the magazine has evolved into. Durant writes, edits, sells ads, manages ad clients and delivers the magazine as well as books stand-up comedians for Savage Henry's monthly comedy shows and its annual Savage Henry Magazine Comedy Festival (formerly SHITS and Giggles Comedy Festival). He also co-produces and co-hosts the magazine's weekly podcast, the Savage Henry Magazine Radio Program. He lives in McKinleyville, California with his wife, three of his children, two dogs, two cats and his Playstation 3.

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