Anime Aphrodisiac

John Elderly, Contributor

I know there are others out there who are just like me — desperate and anxious to find those rare opportunities to obtain gems from the past. I am, of course, speaking about the plastic crap of yesteryear sitting on thrift store shelves in Humboldt … huddled together with more brick-a-brack than Grandma’s living room. My specific fancy in thrift stores is anime videos. Some dumbfuck stole from himself the opportunity to hoard such valuable, illustrated horseshit. Not just the Japanese Akira-type shit, either. I’m talking “Tiny Toons”, “Street Sharks”, “Pound Puppies”, “Recess” and … and … you get the point. Getting back on track, I would like to present the five best thrift store anime gems I have come across, complete with commentary that may or may not end with sexy and hilarious results

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5. “Dragon Ball Z: The World’s Strongest” 

Fucking classic shit. So this old dude, Dr. Kochin, is trying to fucking conquer the world and decides to use Dragon Balls to resurrect his evil colleague from the icy plains of the northern sea. After collecting all seven balls, this motherfucker awakens the dragon and asks this snaky, coiled, bad-ass, wise Japanese dragon to grant him the wish of thawing the northern sea to release this oyster-shelled tomb/ship. Fast forward. Dr. Giro is thawed out and begins his master plan to kidnap Master Roshi, the same motherfucker who trains Goku to be such a bad-ass. Well, he kidnaps him and forces him to fight three funky-ass Nazi genetic mistakes, who defeat him. Bulma outs Goku as the strongest fighter in the world and Dr. Giro leads Goku to his icy space nugget and tries to steal his body. Piccolo, a green turd of a character, becomes mind-controlled and tries to kill Goku and Gohan. Guess who wins? Yeah … the good guy, Goku. He spirit-bombs Dr. Giro’s mechanized armor suit and annihilates him something proper.

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4. “Spider-Man: The Ultimate Villain Showdown”; also includes the first episode of the 1967 version of Spider-Man. 

What can you say about your friendly “keepin it hood as fuck” Spider-Man? He battles a bunch of villainous fucks in New York, just short of the Wu-Tang Clan itself. Facing off against corporate giants such as Norman Osborn (aka the Green Goblin), the Kingpin, the deranged, post-traumatic Dr. Octopus, and Kraven the Hunter. Even Madame Web fucks with Spider-Man. All of this means that, in this set of five episodes, Spider-Man will face some crazy-ass shit and will have to abandon parts of his identity and lose loved ones in order to triumph in his own psyche. Deep-ass Carl Sagan shit for real.

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3.Batman-Dreams in Darkness. 60 minutes. Rated… NR fuggg yea Batman… 

So this is some crazy psychological thriller type shit going on. Scarecrow wants to poison the water supplies with nerve gas that effects Batman in a struggle they have early on in the show. Batman is institutionalized and thus is treated like shit and forced to take all types of meds he doesn’t want to take, or else it’s electric shock therapy. Well Batman escapes but begins to have all these paranoid delusions about his parents getting gatted down by a junkie behind the Bayshore Mall. He finds a crackhead working for The Scarecrow, beats the shit out of him for the secrets of the cure in which he obtains. The twist is the cure will knock him out for two days, two days Bruce does not have, considering The Scarecrow is going to Attack the city again. Batman tracks down The Scarecrow and gives him an ass-whoopin only a Blackwater mercenary could get away with.Serious shit. Check it out.

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2. “Ghost in the Shell”. 82 minutes. NR 

First off let me just say…Cyborg titties. Let me end by saying…Cyborg titties.

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1. Power Rangers Blue Ranger Edition. 42 minutes Rated 11teen and up.

Ok, ok, ok. So its not anime. Fuck you. This is a piece of pure gold that surpassed all other choices out of my rat packed collection. First ever episode of Power Rangers. The one that kicked the whole disgusting phenomenon off the ground. Millions of working-class children raced away from school to home to suck this bit of disturbingly racist series off. First episode pits Angel as having a cultural food festival which puts all the colors of the rainbow in their place. After Bulk and Skull start a food fight the rangers find themselves in trouble by the dean of their school. Rita Repulsa watches from her moon fortress and has her weird Falcor look’n homie to build her a pig monster that will devour all the Earth’s food in 48 hours. The Falcor creature molds a perfect sculpture of Officer Sanchez from the Eureka Police Department and sends him to Earth to fuck the Rangers over. The pig eats their respective weapons so the Blue Rangers craft a brilliant plan to put spicy radish in a sandwich in which to be fed to the porker monster. The monster is fed the sandwich and the pig vomits up all of his power. Rangers swoop in and gang bang him. The End. Satisfying till the very last drop!

 

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