Appletinis, a Moral Quandary

So you’re enjoying an appletini alone in the privacy of your favorite bar, when all of the sudden your friends walk in. They see that radioactively-colored firewater flowing down your gullet and you know immediately that you are busted. You know you’re in for a ribbing, and you can tell them all night about this was your first time and you only wanted to try it when no one was looking. This is about the time you start asking yourself, “Should I really be drinking these things at all?”

Pro

Con

Sweet, yet tart

So much sugar that exponentially increases my hangover

Men buy them for me when I dress in drag

Zach Braff drank them in Scrubs

No olives!

Needs a garnish

“-tini” is a suffix that can be nearly universally applied, such as “Pineapple” and “your penis is”

“Appletini” just sounds like you’re drinking a really small apple

I can hide them in Gatorade bottles

They’re easily spotted from across the bar

Martini glasses are classy

Martini glasses are practically designed to spill

You can get wasted with Grandma!

Your Grandma drinks them

Looks like Hi-C Ecto Cooler

Contains 0% juice

At least my friends didn’t discover that I’m a furry

I’m afraid of what my BM will look like tomorrow

They’re 2 for 1 at Pride

That’s how my friends caught me

Food dye makes everything look appealing

I’m drinking something that looks like anti-freeze

My mom thinks I’m cool

No she doesn’t

About Josh Duke

Josh is an editor for Savage Henry Independent Times, He resides in Arcata, CA. When not performing stand up comedy or performing improv with Random Acts of comedy, you can follow him on Twitter @BonusMcHustle

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