Zack Newkirk

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Cooking Tips

It’s that time of the year again — time to eat. Here are some good tips for making the process of food preparation easier: *To soften a package of cream cheese, hurl it balefully into a roaring fireplace *Tenderize your meat by whispering your undying devotion to it *For those hectic moments when you don’t have a minute to spare, …

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Bad Threats: How to Talk Like a Tough Guy

When mano a mano violence is imminent, you’ve got to say the right thing to make your opponent quake in fear. Try these on for size next time you’re putting up your dukes: “There’s gonna be two hits, pal: me hitting you, then me hitting the floor” “Buddy, you’re gonna feel real guilty when I succumb to my injuries” “Hope …

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7 THINGS YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST DO BEFORE YOU DIE

Everyone’s got a bucket list for you these days. Well, I have one for you as well. This stuff is mandatory: 1) CLEAN YOUR ROOM It’s getting really messy. The laundry hamper is there for a reason, OK? And what’s with the dishes? Why are there dishes in here?   2) FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK I’m not going to tell you …

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Jokes from Hillary’s Government Email Outbox

The NSA released Hillary Clinton’s Benghazi-era emails, finally; surprise, but it seems she’s quite the jokester! Here are some of her comedy gems: –   TO: grh62@senate.gov FROM: secstatehil@gov.gov   Q: How come [REDACTED] are so good at playing [REDACTED]? A: Because they’re [REDACTED]! lol 😉 –   TO: gov_2100fs@ccap.gov FROM: secstatehil@gov.gov   Q: How many [REDACTED] people does it …

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The Wisdom of Dick Vitale

The venerable Dick Vitale, ex-college coach and current color analyst luminary, is nearly 200 years old. What have we learned from this pillar of basketball industry in the past century of televised collegiate hoops? — Yeah, baby! — Slam-a-lama-ding-dong! — Diaper dandy, gimme some candy! — Wacka-lacka-boogie-baloom! — Call a roofer, ‘cuz the ceiling just caved in, baby! — I …

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Fast and Easy Pizza Recipe for Busy Weeknights

From the desk of the New York Times Food Editor   No one has enough time. We have to work, take the kids to soccer practice, harp lessons, Juilliard tryouts, and after all that, meet with our assessor to haggle over prices for any Jean-Guillaume Deshupartrie (the Brooklyn artist, not the French-Albanian mass-murderer) piece we might want in our foyer. …

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Award Winning Interview with A Vampire

I had the opportunity to meet and interview a real live vampire recently. It was incredible. Pulitzer prize, here I come. Here’s the transcript of our chat. SAVAGE HENRY: Thank you for meeting with me again. After I met you the first time at the farmer’s market, I was thrilled. I called my editors the second I walked away, and …

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Obama’s Day Out

Chapter 1 Obama tapped his pencil on his desk. He was bored. “This sucks, man,” he said to no one in particular. It was hard to be Obama. He had to do laws and sign things, make treaties, meet the foreign guys, etc etc. He needed a break, big time. The oval room was lonely today, but he could see …

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How To Eat

If you’re new to this whole eating thing, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s how to keep from making a fool of yourself when you’re dining: ONLY EAT THE FOOD This tip gets by some people — especially women. If you are eating the silverware or the other diners, you are doing it wrong. Look for the things like …

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16 Times an Epic Frederic Chopin Track Made Us Say OMG

Nobody can tickle the keys, the piano keys, like Frederic Chopin. He’s the soundtrack to our parties, and our doulas listen to his songs when they are pulling our blood-soaked babies out of the pools we birth them in. Here are the Chopin tracks that made us look up from our phones and say zOMG: Op. 10 No. 7: Etude …

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