Zack Newkirk

hey-ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Savage Henry Dating Tips

  Dating can be scary, what with the hygiene, the shame, the pressure, etc. et hoc genus omne. But fear not: with these handy guidelines, you’ll be wowing your potential mate from moment one. Hark:   TIPS FOR MEN   1) Arrive wearing a scary mask that might startle your date into having a good laugh. Bonus points if they …

Read More »

Is This Thing On?

Is This Thing On? (Wacky Jim DuBose runs out on stage to polite applause.) Thank you, Wilmington! Thanks so much for coming out! Yes, my name is Wacky Jim DuBose, you heard it right. Wow, what a gorgeous audience! Whoops, I was just looking at myself in the reflection on my glasses. (Audience is silent.) Uh-oh. Tough guys, huh? I …

Read More »

Wanna Feel Old?

A Listicle of Child Prodigies You millennials think that Honey Boo Boo is a precocious child wonder? Millennial please – you wouldn’t know a child prodigy if you married one! (ed. note – do not marry any child whatsoever.) Here’s some of the REAL DEAL prodigy children from history. What you will find here… well, it might surprise and even …

Read More »

Celebrities Who Died in Ways You Don’t Remember

Quick, off the top of your head: how did John F. Kennedy die? If you answered, “In the Challenger explosion,” you’re in good company, as over  90% of people surveyed answer the same way. However, you’re all wrong — President JFK actually got no-scope headshotted in the back of his car in the 1960s. The funny thing about memory is …

Read More »

Scott Stapp’s Tour Rider

To: Rachel Lee, director, Muskegon Community Center From: Curtis French, XL Artist Management Ms. Lee, thank you for booking Scott Stapp and his band for July 7th as an additional leg on his tour through Michigan. To ensure Mr. Stapp’s level of comfort before the show, please provide the following: The top floor of a five-star hotel will be booked …

Read More »

A Bad Day on the Death Star

Obi-Wan Kenobi walked into the room and fired up his blue lightsaber. VRMMMMMMMM. “I see you lit up your saber, Obi-Wan,” said his nemesis, Darth Vader. He revealed his own lightsaber and fired up that bad boy. It was red. VRRRMMMMMM. “You’ve got your own saber on you, eh? I expected as much, Darth,” said Obi-Wan. He produced a second …

Read More »

Magic Tricks for the Blind

Hello, Montreal School for the Blind! Who’s ready for some magic tricks, huh? Yeah! My name is Zack, I’ll be your magician today. Welp, bibbity bobbity boo, let’s get to the magic! 1) OK, so I just take this rabbit here — yeah, you can feel it, go ahead — you too, sure — OK, then I put him in …

Read More »

Less Than Famous Serial Criminals

You know all the famous serial killers by name: Jeff Dahmer; Son of Sam; Johnny Wayne Gacy; Zodiacman; Ted “Theodore” Bundy; Bill S. Preston, Esquire — the list goes on. But there have been countless more sadistic and depraved serial criminals that haven’t gotten the sexy headlines. Among these hidden gems: The Boston Teabagger From 2010 to 2013, dipped his …

Read More »

Unbelievable: The Overheard Trump

No stranger to controversy in his pre-political life, Donald J. Trump, now President of these United States, has become even more scandalous after taking office. The slightest turns of phrase, before considered the mere gurglings of a demented reality TV star, are now dissected and analyzed for nefarious and clandestine meaning. Now, sources within the White House itself are leaking …

Read More »

Obscure Cuts of Beef, Ranked

The elite gastronome isn’t content with your run-of-the-mill cuts of beef. That $120 rib eye steak seared rare? Take it in hand and heave it into the ocean where it belongs with all the other trash. No, the pure gourmand knows the secret bovine menu — the truly arcane cuts of beef. Here they are, in ascending order of succulence: …

Read More »