Zack Newkirk

hey-ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Scott Stapp’s Tour Rider

To: Rachel Lee, director, Muskegon Community Center From: Curtis French, XL Artist Management Ms. Lee, thank you for booking Scott Stapp and his band for July 7th as an additional leg on his tour through Michigan. To ensure Mr. Stapp’s level of comfort before the show, please provide the following: The top floor of a five-star hotel will be booked …

Read More »

A Bad Day on the Death Star

Obi-Wan Kenobi walked into the room and fired up his blue lightsaber. VRMMMMMMMM. “I see you lit up your saber, Obi-Wan,” said his nemesis, Darth Vader. He revealed his own lightsaber and fired up that bad boy. It was red. VRRRMMMMMM. “You’ve got your own saber on you, eh? I expected as much, Darth,” said Obi-Wan. He produced a second …

Read More »

Magic Tricks for the Blind

Hello, Montreal School for the Blind! Who’s ready for some magic tricks, huh? Yeah! My name is Zack, I’ll be your magician today. Welp, bibbity bobbity boo, let’s get to the magic! 1) OK, so I just take this rabbit here — yeah, you can feel it, go ahead — you too, sure — OK, then I put him in …

Read More »

Less Than Famous Serial Criminals

You know all the famous serial killers by name: Jeff Dahmer; Son of Sam; Johnny Wayne Gacy; Zodiacman; Ted “Theodore” Bundy; Bill S. Preston, Esquire — the list goes on. But there have been countless more sadistic and depraved serial criminals that haven’t gotten the sexy headlines. Among these hidden gems: The Boston Teabagger From 2010 to 2013, dipped his …

Read More »

Unbelievable: The Overheard Trump

No stranger to controversy in his pre-political life, Donald J. Trump, now President of these United States, has become even more scandalous after taking office. The slightest turns of phrase, before considered the mere gurglings of a demented reality TV star, are now dissected and analyzed for nefarious and clandestine meaning. Now, sources within the White House itself are leaking …

Read More »

Obscure Cuts of Beef, Ranked

The elite gastronome isn’t content with your run-of-the-mill cuts of beef. That $120 rib eye steak seared rare? Take it in hand and heave it into the ocean where it belongs with all the other trash. No, the pure gourmand knows the secret bovine menu — the truly arcane cuts of beef. Here they are, in ascending order of succulence: …

Read More »

Your Mama Jokes That Will Leave Them Crying in Shame

Up your game, baby. You’ve got to bring it hard if you want to diss my mama. To wit:   Your mama is so fat that she broke her leg in a grisly skiing accident. Your mama is so ugly that she wore a mask to go trick-or-treating. Your mama is so fat that her blood type is O-positive, one …

Read More »

Cooking Tips

It’s that time of the year again — time to eat. Here are some good tips for making the process of food preparation easier: *To soften a package of cream cheese, hurl it balefully into a roaring fireplace *Tenderize your meat by whispering your undying devotion to it *For those hectic moments when you don’t have a minute to spare, …

Read More »

Bad Threats: How to Talk Like a Tough Guy

When mano a mano violence is imminent, you’ve got to say the right thing to make your opponent quake in fear. Try these on for size next time you’re putting up your dukes: “There’s gonna be two hits, pal: me hitting you, then me hitting the floor” “Buddy, you’re gonna feel real guilty when I succumb to my injuries” “Hope …

Read More »

7 THINGS YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST DO BEFORE YOU DIE

Everyone’s got a bucket list for you these days. Well, I have one for you as well. This stuff is mandatory: 1) CLEAN YOUR ROOM It’s getting really messy. The laundry hamper is there for a reason, OK? And what’s with the dishes? Why are there dishes in here?   2) FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK I’m not going to tell you …

Read More »