Zack Newkirk

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The New Bill of Rights

It is becoming clear that the government of this nation no longer cares about the rights of its people. Citizens are executed, without trial, by drone strike; our digital freedoms are trampled, in the name of national security, by a spying Big Brother; and urban youths are gunned down in the streets by a police force outfitted with military weaponry. …

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Scientifically-Proven Speed Dating Lines

Speed dating can be scary, but luckily there are scientists to tell us how to speed-date better than we were speed dating before. Some anthropologists in Quebec undertook a 10-year study during which they researched the effectiveness of 1,000 different lines, carefully written using high inference language and buzzwords, to be used in a speed dating setting. The following were …

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The Death of Herpacles, by Aeschylus

In addition to being a writer for Savage Henry, a nocturnal eater of small birds, and a card-carrying 9/11 Truther (the card is for the Papa Murphy’s Rewards program), yours truly smugly fancies himself an amateur archaeologist! As such, last May yours truly found himself in Iraq, unearthing a long-forgotten temple of sorts thanks to a several-million-dollar grant from the …

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Hollywood Death Watch: Betting Edition

The stars are dropping like flies! First Rock Hudson, now all the other ones? Holy smokes! The betting is hot and heavy and the office pools are filling up fast — which sexy celeb will kick the bucket next? Ante up for our favorites: * Many analysts point toward ensemble cast members of television shows as potential candidates for death. …

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Rough Drafts of Famous Literary Works

Even though I earnestly and fervently hate my editors with a white-hot and seething sense of deep loathing, I have to admit that they matter! Indeed, editors throughout history have mattered greatly to the authors for whom they edit, as evidenced by the following passages of rough drafts of famous works that not a fortnight ago I purchased wholesale from …

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A Novella About Dustin Hoffman

“Cut” said Steven Spielberg, and the scene was over. Dustin Hoffman, playing Captain James Hook, stood up and stretched. “Let’s call it a day, people,” said the assistant director, and with that, the crew started moving wires and breaking down rigging. Spielberg, as per usual, started high-fiving everyone around him to celebrate a job well done. “Oy,” said Bob Hoskins, …

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These Are the Jokes

Q: Why do ghosts wear sheets with holes in them? A: Because all ghosts are Hasidic Jews. 🙂 Q: Did you hear the one about the horse that dressed like a congressman? A: No. 🙂 Q: Why is that one powdered household cleaner called Ajax? A: Ajax, son of Telamon, bulwark of the Achaeans, he who fought mighty Hector to …

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Three Knock Knock Jokes of Varying Quality

Joke 1 First Person: Knock knock. Second Person: Who’s there? First Person: Rachel. Second Person: Rachel who? First Person: Uh… I thought we weren’t supposed to give last names. This… this is the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, right? Second Person: Yeah, you’re right. That’s true. Come on in. Joke 2 First Person: Knock knock. Second Person: Hu’s there? First Person: Michael …

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2014 Fantasy Football Tips

It’s almost football season in like three months, so no time like the present to pick up some #fantasy #tips! Use these dandies to dominate your draft and proclaim yourself king of the fantasy realm!  * Draft all the black players.  * Throw your opponents a curveball they won’t know what to do with; draft all hockey players.  * Bring …

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Learning Day: A Screenplay

INT. DINER – DAY A young COP walks into the diner and looks around. A grizzled DETECTIVE at a booth in a dark corner waves the cop over. The cop sits down. DETECTIVE You the new kid? COP Yes sir. Nice to meet you, Detective. I’m looking forward to riding around in your car today and learning.  DETECTIVE Kid, consider …

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