Zack Newkirk

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Census Results: Most Popular Tattoos of 2014

My Government day job (I clean toilets at the jail) has given me access to the most secret files and folders that Big Brother has to offer. I sussed it all out (a guy left some papers in a stall in the downstairs men’s room), and I calculated what the most important recent census data shows. For your reading pleasure, …

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Other Ways the Patriots Allegedly Cheated

The New England Patriots are infamous for having cheated to win 3 Super Bowls from 2001-2007, but it was thought that they had put their cheating ways behind them; that is, until “Deflategate,” or “Ballghazi,” or whatever you want to call the thing where they deflated their footballs to illegal PSI levels to get to this year’s Super Bowl and …

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Vince Carter’s Raddest Dunks

I love basketball, and I love people who dunk basketballs through the basket hoop. Vince Carter was a guy who used to slam dunk like nobody’s business, and his travails are well-documented. Here follows a breakdown of Carter’s bests dunks. 5) November 12, 2005: Carter dunked hard on Alonzo Mourning, then wrapped his legs around Mourning’s neck, strangling him to …

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Women, Am I Right

What’s the deal with women, right, guys? Sometimes they just drive me crazy. For instance, why don’t they just say what they mean? Am I right? This guy knows what I’m talking about. This girl I met the other day, lemme tell ya… it’s like she couldn’t make up her mind what to tell me — a fib or an …

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The New Bill of Rights

It is becoming clear that the government of this nation no longer cares about the rights of its people. Citizens are executed, without trial, by drone strike; our digital freedoms are trampled, in the name of national security, by a spying Big Brother; and urban youths are gunned down in the streets by a police force outfitted with military weaponry. …

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Scientifically-Proven Speed Dating Lines

Speed dating can be scary, but luckily there are scientists to tell us how to speed-date better than we were speed dating before. Some anthropologists in Quebec undertook a 10-year study during which they researched the effectiveness of 1,000 different lines, carefully written using high inference language and buzzwords, to be used in a speed dating setting. The following were …

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The Death of Herpacles, by Aeschylus

In addition to being a writer for Savage Henry, a nocturnal eater of small birds, and a card-carrying 9/11 Truther (the card is for the Papa Murphy’s Rewards program), yours truly smugly fancies himself an amateur archaeologist! As such, last May yours truly found himself in Iraq, unearthing a long-forgotten temple of sorts thanks to a several-million-dollar grant from the …

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Hollywood Death Watch: Betting Edition

The stars are dropping like flies! First Rock Hudson, now all the other ones? Holy smokes! The betting is hot and heavy and the office pools are filling up fast — which sexy celeb will kick the bucket next? Ante up for our favorites: * Many analysts point toward ensemble cast members of television shows as potential candidates for death. …

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Rough Drafts of Famous Literary Works

Even though I earnestly and fervently hate my editors with a white-hot and seething sense of deep loathing, I have to admit that they matter! Indeed, editors throughout history have mattered greatly to the authors for whom they edit, as evidenced by the following passages of rough drafts of famous works that not a fortnight ago I purchased wholesale from …

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A Novella About Dustin Hoffman

“Cut” said Steven Spielberg, and the scene was over. Dustin Hoffman, playing Captain James Hook, stood up and stretched. “Let’s call it a day, people,” said the assistant director, and with that, the crew started moving wires and breaking down rigging. Spielberg, as per usual, started high-fiving everyone around him to celebrate a job well done. “Oy,” said Bob Hoskins, …

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