Zack Newkirk

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Zack’s List

It’s that time again — time for Zack’s List! Count down with me: 10. Picture frames 9. Oatmeal 8. Magnets 7. Frank Lloyd Wright 6. A wolf 5. Breathing 4. Anger 3. Todd 2. A different wolf 1. Rwanda Thanks for reading my list. Pick up next month’s issue for another list!

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Ben Franklin’s Other Aphorisms

We’ve all seen Benjamin Franklin’s choice lines and juicy quotes, but he said/wrote a bunch of other stuff, too, and let me tell you, not all of it was very good. Some of it was pretty dumb, actually. He was overrated, IMHO. IDK, look:  “Hey.” — Ben Franklin  “No, just put it there. Yeah, next to the chair.” — Ben …

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An Interview with All the Firefighters

e water cooler that Derek Jeter and Ryan Gosling are heroes for this reason or that, but do you know who the real heroes are? All the firefighters. They save lives every day, and they wear uniforms, which women think is hot. I recently tracked down and gathered all the firefighters at great expense, and then I sat down with …

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Heelys Facts

It’s a fact that Heelys are sick, and that they impress the blazes out of members of the opposite sex. What’s so cool about Heelys is that one minute they’re really stylish shoes, and the next minute you’re haulin’ fanny down the mall. What else do we know about Heelys?  FACT: Heelys are illegal to wear inside a public library …

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Things to Yell During Your Next Bar Fight

Swearing and threats are standard operating procedure at any pub rumble, but trust me: you’re not impressing anyone with the tired old chestnuts you’re tossing out, and that’s why the other guys keep winning. Try uttering one of these excellent phrases before your next fight and watch the worm turn: I’ll strike you about the throat, you crumbum Leave me …

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Let’s Make a Deal

Hey. You lookin’ for something? I can help you, maybe.   You’re not a cop, right? You have to tell me if you’re a cop. OK then, let’s hear what you want.   That’s what you’re lookin’ for? This is your lucky day, big guy. I got what you need.   I’ll show you the goods. Here, let me just… …

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Your Vasectomy: A Pamphlet

Thank you for choosing vasectomy by Doctors, LLC. “Vasectomy” is a fearful term to some men, but it needn’t be; no, it needn’t be in the least. Relax. Here’s what to expect during today’s procedure: 1) The receptionist will be an attractive young woman, and her eyes will judge you as you fill out the required forms. Can she have …

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Famous “PG”-Rated Films With Questionable Content

Back before the MPAA introduced the PG-13 rating, certain PG-rated films, such as Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Tootsie, were infamous for their violence and profanity. But some of that stuff slips through the PG-13 cracks even now, finding its naughty way into our now-supposedly-innocent PG movies, and exposing our children to things they shouldn’t be seeing …

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Knowledge for Kids

You’ve got a lot to learn, kid. Who’s gonna teach you about the world? Teachers? Not on my watch. Let me guide you with my cumulative knowledge. I lived through rough times so that you don’t have to. Don’t make the same mistakes I made. – If a stork brings you your baby, I’ve got bad news for you: that’s …

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