Zack Newkirk

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2014 Fantasy Football Tips

It’s almost football season in like three months, so no time like the present to pick up some #fantasy #tips! Use these dandies to dominate your draft and proclaim yourself king of the fantasy realm!  * Draft all the black players.  * Throw your opponents a curveball they won’t know what to do with; draft all hockey players.  * Bring …

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Learning Day: A Screenplay

INT. DINER – DAY A young COP walks into the diner and looks around. A grizzled DETECTIVE at a booth in a dark corner waves the cop over. The cop sits down. DETECTIVE You the new kid? COP Yes sir. Nice to meet you, Detective. I’m looking forward to riding around in your car today and learning.  DETECTIVE Kid, consider …

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Zack’s List

It’s that time again — time for Zack’s List! Count down with me: 10. Picture frames 9. Oatmeal 8. Magnets 7. Frank Lloyd Wright 6. A wolf 5. Breathing 4. Anger 3. Todd 2. A different wolf 1. Rwanda Thanks for reading my list. Pick up next month’s issue for another list!

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Ben Franklin’s Other Aphorisms

We’ve all seen Benjamin Franklin’s choice lines and juicy quotes, but he said/wrote a bunch of other stuff, too, and let me tell you, not all of it was very good. Some of it was pretty dumb, actually. He was overrated, IMHO. IDK, look:  “Hey.” — Ben Franklin  “No, just put it there. Yeah, next to the chair.” — Ben …

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An Interview with All the Firefighters

e water cooler that Derek Jeter and Ryan Gosling are heroes for this reason or that, but do you know who the real heroes are? All the firefighters. They save lives every day, and they wear uniforms, which women think is hot. I recently tracked down and gathered all the firefighters at great expense, and then I sat down with …

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Heelys Facts

It’s a fact that Heelys are sick, and that they impress the blazes out of members of the opposite sex. What’s so cool about Heelys is that one minute they’re really stylish shoes, and the next minute you’re haulin’ fanny down the mall. What else do we know about Heelys?  FACT: Heelys are illegal to wear inside a public library …

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Things to Yell During Your Next Bar Fight

Swearing and threats are standard operating procedure at any pub rumble, but trust me: you’re not impressing anyone with the tired old chestnuts you’re tossing out, and that’s why the other guys keep winning. Try uttering one of these excellent phrases before your next fight and watch the worm turn: I’ll strike you about the throat, you crumbum Leave me …

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Let’s Make a Deal

Hey. You lookin’ for something? I can help you, maybe.   You’re not a cop, right? You have to tell me if you’re a cop. OK then, let’s hear what you want.   That’s what you’re lookin’ for? This is your lucky day, big guy. I got what you need.   I’ll show you the goods. Here, let me just… …

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Your Vasectomy: A Pamphlet

Thank you for choosing vasectomy by Doctors, LLC. “Vasectomy” is a fearful term to some men, but it needn’t be; no, it needn’t be in the least. Relax. Here’s what to expect during today’s procedure: 1) The receptionist will be an attractive young woman, and her eyes will judge you as you fill out the required forms. Can she have …

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