Zack Newkirk

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TV KORNER: British Edition

In an attempt to pander to our growing international readership, here are the 15 highest-rated telly programs aired in the UK in March: 1) Kipper, John? 2) Father Butterfart’s Trousers 3) Ooer! I Trod On Something Nasty 4) Rugger Nieces 5) Leftenant Chufnell & Mrs. 6) Twistelton-on-Moore’s Randiest Governesses 7) The Bally Sod 8) Pudding with Nigel 9) BBC3 Movie …

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Breaking news MOVIES ARE NOT REAL!

The other day I realized with a shock, at the youthful age of 30, that the movies I’d been watching since I was in the tween demographic were full of crap. You see, I’ve been reading a physics textbook I found in a dumpster recently, and it says that in Transporter 2 Jason Statham couldn’t have flipped his car upside …

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why not to see “inception”

There are movies that make you think, and movies that think for you. “The Dark Knight” director Christopher Nolan’s hotly anticipated “Inception” belongs to the former category and thus should be avoided. Life is complicated enough without having to use your mind at all during the viewing of a motion picture. Here are two ways in which “Inception” will confuse …

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HAIKUS ABOUT HUMBOLDT

Eureka Industrial smoke Over hard-working white trash Pittsburgh by the sea Arcata Hipsters and hippies Battle over the turf where A college once stood McKinleyville Growing like a weed Move here for the tract housing Hope you like white folks Kneeland Miles of uphill road Unkempt mansions left and right Much pot is grown here Fieldbrook Beautiful hillside Mountain crest, …

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MOVIES THAT TEACH US WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE HOMELESS PROBLEM

Humboldt County’s chief product, aside from tole painting, is the homeless person. On every corner in every Humboldt city sits (or stands, if they prefer) the wandering poor, pleading for just a little money, food, or mind-altering substance to help them get through another day. Whose heart doesn’t break when such a person is encountered? The homeless and the rest …

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Why NOT to see “AVATAR”

If you haven’t heard about this little movie called “Avatar”, let me break it down for you: A bunch of Earthicans invade a planet to mine a mineral called unobtanium (not kidding), but the locals (10-foot-tall, blue, stupid-looking creatures called the Na’vi) don’t cotton onto that scheme and, led by a traitorous human soldier, decide to fight off the Halliburton-like …

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Crimes Against a County: Humboldt in the Movies

What’s the one thing, above all else, that people think when they hear the word “Humboldt?” Why, that a handful of subpar movies have been filmed here, of course. It’s a life-altering event when Hollywood graces our humble locale, mainly because visiting cast and crew arrive in gold-plated hovercraft, only doffing their pince-nez and stovepipe hats long enough to sink …

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