Zack Newkirk

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Things I made with my 3D Printer

I got a 3D printer at an estate sale. Here’s some of the stuff I made with it so far: A 4D printer Joseph Kony A Dodge Dart Existential dread A cup of Earl Grey tea Hair A giant piece of paper that looks like a stack of individual papers someone might have printed with an inkjet A copy of …

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Paid Advertisement

(Paid for by Zack Newkirk) It’s that time of year again — orphan season. But if you don’t already have your orphan this late in the game, where are you going to get one?  The answer is RentAnOrphan.com. The finest exclusive online retailer of orphans and orphan-related paraphenalia since 2004, RentAnOrphan.com has got a massive backstock of orphans just waiting …

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Medical Treatments for Infants Throughout History

Keeping infants alive is hard. Anything could kill them. Anything at all. I could kill them. You. The wind. Luckily, we now have a variety of vaccines and other medicines to see them through childhood. It’s likely, in fact, that most of today’s infants will live until they’re old enough to wear Google Glass while they drive. But that doesn’t …

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Movie Review: Cocktail

Welp, it’s the Cocktail issue, which means I guess I should kick these old haunches into gear and get to writing a review of Cocktail, which I’ve definitely seen. Deadline is minutes away, and the boss just called and said, “Where’s your Cocktail review? You said you’d do a review of Cocktail!” I replied, “Yeah, of course I’ve seen Cocktail. …

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Which Celeb Is the Right Match for You?

Stop daydreaming about stalking all those beautiful celebs, stupid! Instead, narrow your crush down to one celeb with our handy personality-matching quiz below! Then, stalk that celeb only! Which celeb is for you? FIND YOUR PERSONALITY TYPE: Personality type 1: You love long walks on the beach, horseback-riding on the beach, seafood, wrestling on the beach, beach-combing, unicycles, and Nickelback. You …

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2013 NBA Rule Changes

The 2013-2014 NBA season begins October 29th, and with it comes several exciting rule changes, such as the inclusion of a game in which players will be allowed to wear jerseys with their nicknames printed on them. What are the rest of the rule changes? Players are allowed to bring one entourage member each on the court with them during …

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Test Drive: The 2014 Subaru Harvester

Good driving to you, car enthusiasts! This month we take a look at the highly-anticipated 2014 Subaru Harvester, which has set the automotive community’s tongues a-wagging. But does it live up to the hype? We test-drove the Harvester to find out. First of all, the Harvester is not a very comfortable car. There is an option for leather seating, but even …

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Ahhh! Oh, Geez — My Neck

Gosh darn. Oh, man. My neck. My neck hurts so bad. No… no, I woke up with it like this. I’m telling you, I woke up with it like this. I dunno. I mean, I lifted that thing yesterday. Yes, already, I lifted with my legs. aughhhhhhhh. Owww! Holy cow. My neck! I can’t even turn my head, man. Not …

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NFL ‘13 Season Betting Primer

What’s more fun than American football? Betting on American football! Here are some of my choices in Harrah’s book for various side and prop bets for the upcoming season. I’m an expert, so these picks are LAYUPS, people. Take these to the bank. (All official Vegas odds as of 9/4/13.) Aaron Hernandez will be asked to sing the National Anthem …

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More Hollywood Rumors: Sports Edition

My spies are everywhere — but this time of year they take their ears off the ground at the Walk of Fame and plant them on the sports field turf! Watch out for cleats, spies! (My spies don’t have health insurance, and they won’t ever, thanks to Obamacare.) Locker room scuttlebutt has it that Tiger Woods is an exceptional lover — …

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