Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

The Louis C.K. Action Figure!

Cornell Reid and Chris Durant, contributors                   With Cum-Fu Grip!   Shows up at your house whether you ordered it or not!   Fits most doorways.   One pack of “Rope Shooter Goo” refill bottle included.   You don’t even play with the action figure, you just watch it play with itself. …

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The Least Desirable Sex Toys of 2017

2017 was a great year for sex toy sales. The sex toy industry broke every record in the books and rose to an all-time high in sales, beating out and beating off every previous year in recorded history. Sure, maybe some time back in the cavemen days more sex toys were moved than in 2017, but we had no way …

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Michael Winslow’s Guide to STDs

Scared to talk to your parents about sex? Worried your teachers might ridicule you if you don’t know everything about mating? Don’t worry, because Michael Winslow the “Man of 10,000 Sound Effects” and star of the Police Academy films has put together an easy to use guide for you to reference when you think you may have contracted something bad …

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The History of Presidents as Dictated by Siri

As Americans we all have one thing in common, we all love the presidents! We all know Obama is a huge babe and everyone wants to touch his dingaling and suck his farts. However did you know that he’s not the first President? The first President of United States was the great Daniel Day Lewis. He freed the slaves from …

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Dank Tricks To Pull At The Trim Scene

So you’re stuck trimming deep in the woods and you have nothing to entertain yourself with, except for that guy from Argentina who keeps accidentally trimming his dreads off, and this magazine. Sure, that Argentinian is hilarious, but he’s almost out of dreads. He only has two left, one above each ear so he kinda looks like a rasta rabbi. …

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Pete’s Saw

Cornell Reid, staff   When I heard the theme for this issue was all focused on Pete’s saw I was so excited. I mean how could you not be? Pete’s saw is so fucking dope! But the saw isn’t the only thing that’s special; Pete’s story is pretty special too. I can’t believe you guys not only know Pete, but …

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Pizza Illuminati

Papa John? Little Caesars? Round Table? Pizza Hut? Domino’s? What pizza does the Illuminati prefer?   If you said Little Caesars then you would be correct.   Let’s be honest, the Illuminati doesn’t have time to wait around for a pizza to cook; they have the entire world to run! That’s why, when they need pizza, they choose Little Caesars. …

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Space Explained

Isn’t space confusing? A lot of so-called “scientists” and “teachers” try to explain space to us but we all know they’re lying. I’m tired of all their bullshit. So finally, as the only person who truly understands space, I will explain it to you. So buckle up (if you’re reading this while driving) put your learning shoes on (unless you …

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My Fantasy

Buttercup The Horse – translated by Cornell Reid I wish I was a horse. I mean, I am a horse, but I wish I was a different horse. I live in an alternate universe where horses can use computers. Hooves are usually pretty dope but when it comes to operating most laptops in your universe we’re shit out of luck. …

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How To Make Sure You Have A Good Trip

So you’re going to try hallucinogens. Great! But you’re a little scared because you’ve heard a lot of news stories about people having bad trips and doing kooky stuff! There was that one guy that ripped his nuts off, then there’s that other guy who cut his nuts off, oh and I almost forgot about the guy that chopped his …

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