Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

How to Hack Hell

Let’s face it, we’re going to hell. You thought maybe you’d skate by because you gave some homeless chick you thought was hot a roach from your car’s ashtray a ride, but that’s really not gonna save you. We’re all falling down that dark hot hole deep far far down into the burning fire known as hell. So great, you’re …

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10 Signs Your Dad Hates You in a Passive Aggressive Way

He named his dog “My Son” and he punches it all the time. He lost your birth certificate so technically you can’t prove that you’re his son/daughter. When he’s talking to other people and you can barely make out what he’s saying you hear him say “I hate Nissan” but he’s really saying “I hate me son” (Also he’s Irish). …

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Finding a Job Online

I am currently unemployed. I know I get paid 8.7 billion dollars for each article I write for Savage Henry but since I usually write only one article a month, I need find another job to make ends meet. I currently spend close to 600 million per day on Subway subs alone so I need some extra cash on the …

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How to Make $$$ FAST!!!

Hey you, want to make money? Good! Because money makes the world go round. Yup money is responsible for turning this perfectly flat earth of ours round and round like a Papa John’s chef tossing that hand made delicious dough that makes that robust flavorful pizza pie for us, the lucky and soon to be satisfied customer. If you want …

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The Werewolf of Wall Street (Excerpt)

I’m writing a new book that’s gonna blow Martin Scorsese’s dumbass movie out of the water. Here is a taste just to get you idiots pre-ordering my book and reviewing it on Amazon Prime and all the other important websites. Please enjoy! “Grrrrrrr,” growled the Wolfman named Gary. He was very angry because he couldn’t find the dang street he …

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The New Jar Jar

In the re-edit of Star Wars Episode 1 Disney decided to completely redo Jar Jar Binks to make him less offensive to black people and more offensive to white people. Jar Jar has been redone to resemble a stereotypical white man and these are just some of the new character traits you can expect from Jar Jar in the new …

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Kenny Rogers Advice Column

Sometimes people write Kenny Rogers letters. Usually they just write fan letters that say stuff like “I love you” or “look at this picture of my butt” but every so often they write Kenny seeking advice. Why? I don’t know. Most likely because they are idiots. Kenny Rogers took the time to answer these people’s’ questions but he only had …

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How to Pack Your Overalls: A Guide For Today’s Hillbilly

So you’ve decided to become a hillbilly. Congratulations, this could very well be the smartest decision of your life. You’ve bought the overalls but now what? Well it’s time to pack your pockets with the essentials. Here’s what you will need to start your new life as a backwards, violent mountain person. A Cellphone Hillbillies average one car for 13 …

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Witches: How Cold Are Their Tits? – An Investigative Report

“Colder than a witch’s tit.” That’s an expression people have been using ever since they learned about stuff that was really cold, and of course, tits. But how cold is a witch’s tit really? I mean aren’t most tits kind of warm? What do witches do to make their tits so cold? I know they stir cauldrons all day but …

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Least Interesting Facts About “Wild” Animals

A lot of people think animals that aren’t cared for by humans are considered wild animals. But honestly, how wild are they? I’ve done some deep research into all the animals we all love to refer to as wild to see what their habits are and if any of them truly qualify as wild. The answers I found are bound …

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