Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

Witches: How Cold Are Their Tits? – An Investigative Report

“Colder than a witch’s tit.” That’s an expression people have been using ever since they learned about stuff that was really cold, and of course, tits. But how cold is a witch’s tit really? I mean aren’t most tits kind of warm? What do witches do to make their tits so cold? I know they stir cauldrons all day but …

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Least Interesting Facts About “Wild” Animals

A lot of people think animals that aren’t cared for by humans are considered wild animals. But honestly, how wild are they? I’ve done some deep research into all the animals we all love to refer to as wild to see what their habits are and if any of them truly qualify as wild. The answers I found are bound …

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Free Senior Quotes to Use in Your Yearbook

Hey it’s me, well-known and beloved celebrity, Cornell Reid. This article is for those of you who are graduating. Now I know most of Savage Henry’s loyal readers probably aren’t familiar with the concept of graduation, or attending class, or even reading. Actually, most people who pick up the magazine just use it to wipe up the Monster they spilled …

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The Hulk Hogan Interview

SH: Hey, Hulk, so nice of you to come do an interview with Savage Henry. HH: Yeah, you know I love the magazine, brother. When I’m not busting heads, I’m making my wife read me some of these laugh out loud articles. I thought my sides hurt after wrestling Andre the Giant, but that was nothing compared the gut-busting laughter …

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Is It a Punk or Is It a Skunk?

Cornell Reid, staff Every human being only wants one thing in life: to be cool. The first step to being cool is to be able to easily identify things in your surroundings. For instance, if you’re walking through the forest with your buddies and a skunk scurries by, you would probably blurt out “Holy shit! Was that Joey Ramone?” then …

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Breakfast Cereal Mascots EXPOSED!

Cookie Crisp Dog Although it would seem that this dog loves his cookie crisp, his real addiction is far more sinister: crack and whores. In 1996, Chip the Dog was busted with a 13 lb rock of crack cocaine which he had lodged inside the world’s biggest gravity bong. There were also 74 whores jammed into his tiny motel room …

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Were Dinosaurs Born Gay or is Dino Society to Blame?

Let’s face it, we all know why dinosaurs went extinct: they were gay. See once a species is 100% gay not only do they stop reproducing, but god also sends a meteor crashing into Earth destroying all life. But are we to believe these liberal neo-scientists who claim that all dinosaurs were born gay, or are we to trust our …

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A Sommelier’s Guide to Toilet Wine

Pelican Bay Sauvignon Blanc When I first sipped this delicate nectar I was hit with a very round, chunky texture. The abundance of fruit cocktail and ketchup was complemented by a warm Lysol tinge that caused me to lose vision in my right eye for 45 minutes to an hour. There was a nice overtone of toffee in this wine, …

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5 Easy Ways to Stay Productive While You’re Stoned

Let’s be honest, being productive sucks big time. All you want to do is watch TV all day with one hand down your pants and the other hand on your bong. Instead, you have to live with your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/life partner/roommate/mom/conscience always telling you that you need to do more with your life. Get up, get out, and get stuff done! …

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Top 5 Comics to Watch in 2114

Robocomic After assassinating nearly every human comedian at the Scary Movie 86 premiere, Robocomic’s career really took off. His witty observations about murdering humans and the pains of updating his operational unit were a hit with audiences all over post-apocalyptic America Watch for Robocomic in 2115 when he stars in a remake of the classic 1980’s action blockbuster The Terminator. …

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