Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

My Fantasy

Buttercup The Horse – translated by Cornell Reid I wish I was a horse. I mean, I am a horse, but I wish I was a different horse. I live in an alternate universe where horses can use computers. Hooves are usually pretty dope but when it comes to operating most laptops in your universe we’re shit out of luck. …

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How To Make Sure You Have A Good Trip

So you’re going to try hallucinogens. Great! But you’re a little scared because you’ve heard a lot of news stories about people having bad trips and doing kooky stuff! There was that one guy that ripped his nuts off, then there’s that other guy who cut his nuts off, oh and I almost forgot about the guy that chopped his …

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How to Make Friends: A Guide for the Lonely Nazi

If you’re a Nazi you probably thought 2017 was going to be all sunshine and lollipops. I don’t want to get political, but 2016 ended on a pretty high note for you Nazis; however, just cuz you got some friends in the White House doesn’t mean you have any friends at home. It’s still hard to make friends as a …

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How to Deal with Cops

Look, if there’s one thing that totally sucks, it’s running into the police and then dealing with the police. Unless that policeman happens to be a stripper. (This is a tricky thing to find out. Sometimes you think you’re dealing with a cop and you’re all paranoid and swallow handfuls of sweet sweet black tar heroin just to look down …

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Gender Neutral “Women Be Shopping” Jokes

So you’re out hanging with some friends and you have a great joke you want to tell them. You get all the way through the joke and instead of cracking up all your friends they look horrified. Uh oh, your joke wasn’t funny; it was stupendously offensive! This is a scenario that happens to all of us. Are you tired …

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How To Grow Nugs

The easiest way to grow nugs or “Merry-hana” as it’s called in the dictionary is a process that involves many steps. It takes a true genius to grow nugs in this easy way. If you’re not a genius like me then you won’t even understand this 700-step process and you’ll be a loser for the rest of your life. Sorry …

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How to Hack Hell

Let’s face it, we’re going to hell. You thought maybe you’d skate by because you gave some homeless chick you thought was hot a roach from your car’s ashtray a ride, but that’s really not gonna save you. We’re all falling down that dark hot hole deep far far down into the burning fire known as hell. So great, you’re …

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10 Signs Your Dad Hates You in a Passive Aggressive Way

He named his dog “My Son” and he punches it all the time. He lost your birth certificate so technically you can’t prove that you’re his son/daughter. When he’s talking to other people and you can barely make out what he’s saying you hear him say “I hate Nissan” but he’s really saying “I hate me son” (Also he’s Irish). …

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Finding a Job Online

I am currently unemployed. I know I get paid 8.7 billion dollars for each article I write for Savage Henry but since I usually write only one article a month, I need find another job to make ends meet. I currently spend close to 600 million per day on Subway subs alone so I need some extra cash on the …

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