Cornell Reid

Cornell is a super funny dude who consistently cracks everyone he comes into contact with up. He kinda has the midas touch but for laughs not gold, which is way way less valuable. Cornell grew up in Arcata and everyone said he was "hella tight." Now he lives in LA where he is a very popular stand-up comedian. All of his audiences refer to him as "hella tight." The president recently held a press conference where he said "the country may be going to shit but at least Cornell is hella tight."

Is It a Punk or Is It a Skunk?

Cornell Reid, staff Every human being only wants one thing in life: to be cool. The first step to being cool is to be able to easily identify things in your surroundings. For instance, if you’re walking through the forest with your buddies and a skunk scurries by, you would probably blurt out “Holy shit! Was that Joey Ramone?” then …

Read More »

Breakfast Cereal Mascots EXPOSED!

Cookie Crisp Dog Although it would seem that this dog loves his cookie crisp, his real addiction is far more sinister: crack and whores. In 1996, Chip the Dog was busted with a 13 lb rock of crack cocaine which he had lodged inside the world’s biggest gravity bong. There were also 74 whores jammed into his tiny motel room …

Read More »

Were Dinosaurs Born Gay or is Dino Society to Blame?

Let’s face it, we all know why dinosaurs went extinct: they were gay. See once a species is 100% gay not only do they stop reproducing, but god also sends a meteor crashing into Earth destroying all life. But are we to believe these liberal neo-scientists who claim that all dinosaurs were born gay, or are we to trust our …

Read More »

A Sommelier’s Guide to Toilet Wine

Pelican Bay Sauvignon Blanc When I first sipped this delicate nectar I was hit with a very round, chunky texture. The abundance of fruit cocktail and ketchup was complemented by a warm Lysol tinge that caused me to lose vision in my right eye for 45 minutes to an hour. There was a nice overtone of toffee in this wine, …

Read More »

5 Easy Ways to Stay Productive While You’re Stoned

Let’s be honest, being productive sucks big time. All you want to do is watch TV all day with one hand down your pants and the other hand on your bong. Instead, you have to live with your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/life partner/roommate/mom/conscience always telling you that you need to do more with your life. Get up, get out, and get stuff done! …

Read More »

Top 5 Comics to Watch in 2114

Robocomic After assassinating nearly every human comedian at the Scary Movie 86 premiere, Robocomic’s career really took off. His witty observations about murdering humans and the pains of updating his operational unit were a hit with audiences all over post-apocalyptic America Watch for Robocomic in 2115 when he stars in a remake of the classic 1980’s action blockbuster The Terminator. …

Read More »

Forget Jesus… What About Greg?

* From the New Testament Issue Somewhere Between 1 BC – 1 AD Everyone these days is going crazy for this Jesus character. I get that you think he’s the son of God or whatever, but to me he’s just not that cool. He’s kind of a dork. What about my boy Greg? Now that guy rocks. One time he …

Read More »

Being Dangerous is Cool: A Defense of Texting While Driving

Odds are if you’re reading Savage Henry then you desperately want to be cool. It sucks that you’re a dork. Don’t let the Big Bang Theory fool you; being a dork totally sucks. But don’t worry, I’m here to help you with a very easy lifehack to make you a badass even if you like the Big Bang Theory. Being …

Read More »

Rejected Crayola Colors

Penis Vein Purple Everyone loves literature’s “purple-headed warriors,” but it proved nearly impossible to make a crayon throb. Maroon 5 Magenta Crayola actually already had a maroon, so the closest they could give Maroon 5 was a magenta. Maroon 5 was excited about it but children all over the world quickly agreed that it sucked. Fucking Orange I guess it’s …

Read More »

Making Dirty Jokes Clean

Is there anything worse than hearing a dirty joke? Oh good grief! Last week I was at a child’s briss and the mohel (guy who cuts skin off the ding-dongs) was shouting joke after inappropriate joke during the ceremony! Every single joke involved girls hoo-haas and guys bungholes plus all sorts of different types of jizz. I was so grossed …

Read More »