Matt Redbeard

Hella Dope

Six Edibles Deep

Edible 1 – The first one just kicked in. Fells like my center of gravity dropped out like in the middle of a dream I was having and that’s just the way it is. Why did I agree to this?   Edible 2 – Shouldn’t have gone to Safeway. I’m pretty sure I just ran into my son from the …

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What Your Roommate Is Really Saying with Those Stupid Notes

“Thank you for eating all the corndogs I bought. It’s ok, I love eating toothpaste for dinner anyway.” We’re out of toothpaste.   “You left pee in the sink.”             Thank you for not wasting water buddy. I love you.   “I’m so happy you’ve let your brother and his dog sleep on the couch rent free.”                Why don’t …

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Did I Take Too Much Acid or Not Enough

Is that a pterodactyl or did the sky just break open in a really trippy way? It could just be a cloud, or maybe when those dudes said Jesus was coming back, they meant meant Jurassic. They sound similar. Why is the moon so bright? It’s probably because of the fluorescent lights that are inside what the moon truly is: …

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Fuck Your Breakfast

I don’t understand the concept of breakfast. The closest I’ve ever come to eating breakfast is when I smoked weed out of a Granny Smith apple once, at 6 a.m., right before I fell asleep. They say it’s the most important meal of the day, which leads me to believe that it’s square and boring. Since it falls into the …

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Looking for a New Start

Hi, I’m Chance Fleming, but I like it when people call me the Colonel, ‘cause I’m from a town called Sanders, and I’m basically the coolest guy there. You know? Like the fried chicken guy. I don’t eat fried chicken, but I might have to now that I think more about it. Well, I’m seeking a companion/roomie/F4L (Friend 4 Life) …

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Monsantosaurus

I come from a long line of organic, free-range stegosaurus farmers. Stegosaurus meat was the most tender and succulent kind. Oh, those must have been the days. Laying across the open desert, herds of dinos roaming the open plain. Fresh pterodactyl egg sizzling over an open fire — yeah, they had fire since day one, homie. That was the only …

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Last Words from all of the Presidents…

George Washington – Where’d my weed go? John Adams – How come no one liked me? Thomas Jefferson – Why did everyone like me? James Madison – Make sure they name a city after me. James Monroe – I was a better James. John Quincy Adams – How come no one liked my dad? Andrew Jackson – Fucking Indians. Martin …

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Thurston Moore – The Best Day

After  more than 30 years in the music industry, Thurston Moore continues to create captivating, relevant material. His intricate knowledge and approach to sound is evident throughout The Best Day. Moore is saying something with this album. It’s the most “Sonic Youth-sounding” recording he’s completed since the band went on hiatus in 2011. The first track, “Speak to the Wild,” …

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Other Things That Get Better With Age

Milk – You know what I mean? Like cottage cheese. Grandma’s House – Granny’s been gone for a long time, but that ribbon candy in the bowl’s still kicking. Canada – It’s pretty worthless, guys; just hoping for the best. Assorted Meats – Salami, mainly. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure – Be Excellent to each other. Dubstep – (See Canada) …

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Rejected Boone’s Farm Flavors

Chuck Berry Hill What’s better than just getting fucked up? Getting fucked up while listening to some old-ass rock and roll, or at least that’s what they thought. But apparently didn’t like the blend of prunes, new car, and brown-eyed handsome man. Fozzy Navel Wakka Wakka, am I right? Have you heard of this show called “The Muppets”? Of course …

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