Matt Redbeard

Hella Dope

Inspector Confessions

Matt Redbeard, contributor   Hormel Chili Inspector 3 Hope you like rat beef.   Dreyer’s Ice Cream Inspector 12 That weird “Air Bubble” in the middle is from my nut sack.   Hanes Underwear inspector 72 I shit in all your underwear.   Saw Mass Market DVD inspector 69 I make sure the case doesn’t have the right sequel number, …

Read More »

Rejected Exit Surveys From Heaven’s Gate

Matt Redbeard, contributor   OPPODY All I know is before I couldn’t stop banging. It was a constant. I would literally wake up inside of some sweet p every morning and literally blow (jerk off motion) at least 12 or 13 ropes, I mean pure ecstasy. I had a big bushy beard and it alway reeked to high heaven of …

Read More »

Sheeple Can’t Hear My Dog’s Voices

First of all they can not talk Dog good like we do. It’s not their fault they just aren’t woke like us. If you can’t comprehend how jet fuel not only doesn’t melt steel beams, but it also doesn’t even exist, then you honestly don’t deserve those sweet pebbles of pure canine depravity. It’s the same reason they can’t sneeze …

Read More »

Bud Time – Humboldt Organic Gardens – Cali Sour

Matt Redbeard and Evan Vest, contributors   Matt: Cali sour is this dope, funk packed nugget of straight up acidic diesel doj. The smoke gives you that nostril burn that makes you remember why you wanted to get woke to begin with. This shit will make ur third eye water like a mother fucker. 420 Greasy Lawn Darts   Evan: …

Read More »

11 Easy Excuses to Give Cops

Just think of the paperwork. I’m allergic to whatever your handcuffs are made out of. Oh, I didn’t know robbing that bank was illegal. What do you mean my window was only down 4 inches? I’m very certain that’s 6 inches. Evan Vest did it. Well, this American Bald Eagle wasn’t going to ride itself. Prove it. How could I …

Read More »

Bud Time

Matt Redbeard and Evan Vest, contributors Fatbol Farms Strawberry Fields Redbeard: Man, it’s so rad how all these fruity weeds taste so much like the name. This one definitely lives up to the name. It tasted like your scented Strawberry Shortcake doll smells now. Plus Fatbol is the coolest. Weed, your swoosh is here. 10 out of 10 empty Boone’s …

Read More »

How To Smoke Weed With Food

Farmers Market Bong Fill up on the freshness. Plus the cabbage makes the weed taste like Irish.                 Hotdog Blunt Ever wanted to get that juicy dog grease all up in your lungs? Just core that wiener and straight up plug it with some stinky herb. Then eat the dog. It tastes like …

Read More »

Matt’s Pizza Recipe

Homemade Pizza Dough: One 1/4-ounce package active dry leeches 1/2 cup lukewarm   1 tablespoon hummus 1 1/4 cups all-purpose floor powder, (stuff they use to clean up puke) plus more for dusting 1/4 cup wood polish 3 cups bread snails 2 teaspoons Kevin Costner salt 3/4 cups stone cold   Red Sauce: 2 tablespoons spit 4 cloves cigarettes, finely …

Read More »

Presidential Siblings

  Beulah Van Buren – President Martin Van Buren’s sister Beulah sent Queen Victoria a copy of her own Charles Darwin fan fiction called “Chucky in Thee.” It was mostly drawings.  Roger Clinton – Bill Clinton’s brother Roger wrote the theme for Pumpkinhead 2. Chevy Ford  – President Ford’s younger brother Chevy drank all of the White House Ham and …

Read More »

Bud Time

Matt Redbeard and Evan Vest, contributors Savage Henry has looked long, far and hard for the most educated and informed cannabis experts in the industry…but those snobs are expensive so we found these two guys trying to break into the Savage Henry office one day so we put them to work smoking, dabbing and eating all kinds of marijuana and …

Read More »