Matt Redbeard

Hella Dope

Welcome To Jefferson

Wha’gwan, my Jeffersons! Welcome to The Enlightened State of Jefferson. We are most pleased and gratituded to get you guys all situated in your new life here. Please let me introduce myself; my name is Hambone, and I am your official Caretaker. Now let me tell you all what’s up with the changes, and what we’re all about. The state …

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How to Get Famous

* From the 1993 “FAME” issue Step on people, especially the little ones (literally and metaphorically). What do you need with these people anyway? The answer is nothing. Burn bridges, make enemies, and make yourself unavailable to everyone. No one can touch an untouchable. While keeping that in mind, fuck authority too. Since the little people can’t tell you what …

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The Art of Being…

The Art of Being… Fucked Up I remember having a conversation with a friend about Nirvana. He was saying how he was glad it ended when it did because Kurt would have gotten sober at some point and the music would have sucked. This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard something like this, and honestly, it’s kind of a cliché, …

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Redbeard’s School Bus Slips

October 10 – Redbeard was ejected from the school bus today for putting his hands over the bus driver’s eyes and continuously chanting, “Guess who?” even after the driver successfully “guessed who” it was. February 24 – Redbeard was ejected from the school bus today for smoking what he referred to as a “phat chronic blunt” in the front seat …

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Let’s Do This!

With the price of gas moving upwards it makes sense that you would want to go to an alternative fuel source. But let’s face it, those alternatives are kind of lame.   Electricity? No thanks. That shit is weak, plus that’s shit’s hella expensive, too.   Some hippie might try to tell you we should do something with weed. But …

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The Song Remains the Sim

Matt Redbeard, staff Unfortunately, my mind is only stimulated by being in full control of people’s destinies. The Sims offers me not only mind stimulation, but it also gives me the ability to live my life in elapsed time. Over the years since the game’s inception, I learned this crap: Simlish – The awkward sounds coming out of your Sim’s …

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The Complete Minecraft Walkthrough

You have entered into the generated 8-bit landscape. Congratulations. Walk up to the closest tree you see. Punch tree. Once tree has been demolished by your epic punch-out, walk to the next tree. Punch that tree. Oh yeah, don’t forget to pick up the punched-out 8-bit tree blocks. Continue to the next tree until you get bored doing that. At …

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The Adventures of Teddy Junxspin

It was a cold morning right in the beginning of winter. Gray sky hanging over my head, literally and metaphorically. I woke up low on what makes me feel. Teddy needs his juice and he needs it now. I went down to my usual spot. Furby was out of town but the Dino was there. “Why you talkin’ so slow, …

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You Kids Got it Easy

I don’t want to go on the “back in my day” tangent, but seriously, you guys get iPad’s and I had a stick with a plastic bottle tied to it. What’s up with that? iWhatever – Yeah what does the i even stand for? If you got one of these things and you don’t know what one of the letters …

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