Savage Henry

Red Pill, Blue Pill, Purp

OJ Patterson, contributor The cylinder’s milky smoke evaporated into a spike, jabbing, piercing, probing until Neo found himself in an all white room. Only two beat-up armchairs and an old timey television in “middle” of the “room” interrupted the emptiness. “This is the Construct,” announced Morpheus, stepping from behind a cloud of smoke. “It’s our loading program. We can load …

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Never Get Another DUI

Adam Jacobs, contributor Driving Under the Influence can ruin your life and in the state of California you can get a DUI for being high on weed. That’s fucked up. When I’m stoned I drive way better than when I’m sober. I drive slower, pay more attention to butterflies, obey all traffic laws, and stop at every drive-thru. I think …

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How to Achieve the Perfect Stoner Look

Evan Vest, contributor Look, I enjoy weed as much as the next guy. It’s pretty obvious when you see me that I smoke, which is rad because I’m always being offered weed or getting robbed. I’ve achieved the perfect stoner look after years of practice, and I’ve found one thing that has helped immensely: I’ve never worn ANYTHING with a …

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Talking Dog Conspiracy Theory

Ryan Allen, contributor A viral video entitled “You won’t believe this shit” has been catching speed around the Internet lately, in which a talking golden retriever named Rover states that there is a conspiracy behind the very existence of dogs. In the video, Rover reveals that after eating an entire tray of marijuana-infused brownies, the world “suddenly opened up” around …

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Get High Off Your Own Supply

Keith D., contributor Every drug dealer has heard the age-old adage, “Don’t get high off your own supply.” Well, I’m here to tell you that’s foolish. You HAVE to get high on your own supply because it’s cheaper that way. If I have a pound of freshly grown weed, why would I turn around and pay one of my competitors …

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Fan Mail!

Your magazine sucks. Grow up and get real jobs you losers. – Alec Howard   Editor’s note – Thanks for reading.

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Long Lost Journal of Charles Darwin’s Brother Duane FOUND!

Derek Luna, contributor October 7, 1835  My continuing experimentations with herbs and plants will surely remove me from the long shadow my older brother Chuck has recently cast; with the publication of his most recent book, his fame and fortune grows; yet he seems unwilling to lend even a pence to his brother. No matter, I will continue my work …

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Zorgulox Interview

Dash Kwiatkowski, contributor Savage Henry: Hi Zorgulox, thanks so much for doing this interview!  Tell us about yourself! Zorgulox: Greetings Savage Henry Readership. It is I, Zorgulox, crusher of flesh, devourerer of time, and harvester of souls. As you all know, I am a timeless, indestructible embodiment of evil, whose deeds have ruined countless worlds. I have done battle with …

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This SHITs for Reels – Passive Aggressive Edition

Michel Sargent, staff Gaslight (1944) coined the term for the psychotic jewel thief husband manipulating his wife to believe she’s sick and insane trope. A doctor tries to put her patient’s multiple personality pieces back together, revealing the psychological torture committed against Sybil (1976) in her extreme Christian upbringing of guilt trips, physical violence, and enemas with singing. Based on …

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AJJ – The Bible 2

RJ Rueber, contributor Is it a true sequel to God’s #1 best seller? No, it’s simply AJJ (Formerly known as Andrew Jackson Jihad), and it kicks ass nonetheless. AJJ, fresh off a name change and insults from dick-wad fans, punches the hater’s teeth in with some loud, raw, and thought-provoking tunes. In typical AJJ style, the lyrics will give you …

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