Savage Henry

Milstein at the Movies: Aquaman

Seth Milstein, contributor You know how every time you look at Thor you wish his hair was dark brown and floating a little? If you just said “yes” then I have 2 things to say to you: 1. This movie is for you. 2. We all think it’s weird that you answered out loud to a question that I typed …

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Anonymous Sex Poems

Meghan Deponceau, contributor Anonymous Sex Is good Because when you only sleep around casually, with strangers, you don’t care what they think of all the crumbs on your bed.   Show Me on the Doll Where you want me to touch you Because you doll collection is creepy and if we start having sex I won’t have to look at …

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New Ways to Get High

Rocco Tenaglia, contributor   We see it every year: whip-its, bath salts, duster, airplane glue. Well, another year has come and gone, and with it desperate teens have found more, out-of-the-box ways to get high. Here are just a few of 2017’s most popular fads for getting fucked up.   Cartin’ By destroying cartilage in the external ear or nose, …

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How I Survived Dry January

William Toblerone, Contributor   Back in December, I quit drinking altogether. By day three, my lips were cracked, my skin shriveled, and my senses began to deteriorate. On the fourth day, when I started to hallucinate that I was physically unattractive, I knew something was horribly wrong. The emergency room doctor explained to me that it is unwise to give …

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I Anonymously Sold My Kids for a Car

Tiffany Greysen, contributor   Okay, so not really, but I did “donate” my eggs, and with the money that I received I bought a brand new car.     I don’t talk about my egg donation much, mostly because I forget that I did it, but it really did help take care of a few things that I wouldn’t have …

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Top 10 Jobs at Which to Wear Your Luchador Mask

Zeke Herrera, staff   Who the fuck says only wrestlers can wear luchador masks? Fucking losers, that’s who! Here’s other places you wear that mask while gettin’ that guap and that guac.   Bank Teller Handing people cash all day can be tedious work except when the credit cards interest rate is a Boston Crab and the overdraft fees are …

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Toilet Terror

Trevor Lockwood, contributor   Going to the bathroom at home for the most part is a sacred and private matter.The unfortunate thing about the human body, though, is that it can sometimes be unpredictable while you’re out and about. That’s where “public” bathrooms come in. Of course these shared poop dens aren’t always public; sometimes you have to be some …

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Murder Mystery Buffet Review

Zeke Herrera, staff I really enjoyed the idea of a murder mystery-themed buffet. It combines two of my favorite things, blood and diarrhea — oh, and the murder stuff, I guess.   At first I had a lot of fun solving the murder; they did a great job establishing the characters and I was only one plate in so I …

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In Defense of Kramer

Rocco Tenaglia, Contributor Look, I’m not gonna sugar coat anything, so let me get this out of the way: Michael Richards fucked up. He done goofed. I mean, here’s a guy who, at what I think we can all agree was the absolute peak of his illustrious career (late 2006), got on a stage and used the N-word in the …

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Faceless Sex – The Future Of Relationships

Adam Jacobs, contributor   I’m a married man, so take it from me, relationships are way overrated. The problem with being in a relationship is the constant reminders that no change is coming and your future is stagnant. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, but sometimes you want something fresh and new, but monogamy states that you are …

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