Savage Henry

Where Are They Now: The Noid

Emma Pace Jonas, contributor   In 1986 Domino’s Pizza unveiled The Noid, a bunny-eared gremlin hellbent on destroying pizzas before they arrived at customers’ homes. The anti-mascot could attempt to crush, freeze, and otherwise mutilate Domino’s pizzas all he wanted, but to no avail. You may remember laughing at his on-screen antics between “Alf” segments way back when, but did …

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Alternative Names for Bands

Evan Vest, contributor   It’s really embarrassing when I get the name of a band wrong, so instead of owning up to my ignorance, I just tell people it’s an alternative name for that band. Here are a few of my favorites.   Grateful Dead: Jerry and the Boys Rolling Stones: Mick Jagger and His Skeleton Crew   Phish: Fish …

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Worst Pizzas to Eat High

Evan Vest and Matt Redbeard, contributors   Being high and eating pizza is definitely the best thing on earth, no doubt. But deciding what kind of pie you want to go with while you’re baked can be a tricky decision. The wrong kind of pizza can ruin your high, so we feel responsible for letting you know which kind of …

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Aloha Friends!

Pineapple (translated by Paul Danke), contributor It is I, the Pineapple. The King of Fruits. And oh sure, maybe you’re not into the whole monarchy malarkey, but let me assure you we’re not talking about Queen Elizabeth and her dang bloomers here, we’re talking about a crown growing out of my own head here people. Naturally. Divine. Ya feel?   …

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The Delicious Ones

Zeke Herrera, staff   (The following is a transcription of a new documentary on Netflix)   Brooklyn, 1982   It was a time of innovation. The internet was yet to be invented. Hip-Hop was in it’s ho-slappin’ infancy and it would be only five more years until 1987.   Eddie Murphy: When I had first heard about pizza… I didn’t …

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Our Own Savage Henry Pizza Tips!

Jane Malone, contributor Did you get conned into making dinner for your albatross of a family yet again? We’ve got six easy tips for making sure that even the easiest meal is heaped with a smothering of shame, just like Mom used to serve! Make sure they know how long this project took. “Dinner doesn’t just appear by magic.” Say …

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That’s Not How You Do It, Dickbrain

William Toblerone, contributor   Let me help you out, you imbecile. It actually causes me pain to watch you struggle with your myriad of deficiencies. If you’re going to make white clam pizza in an authentic undersea oven, you’d better just stop your flailing and follow my instructions.   Since you let your floating countertop drift out in that riptide, …

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The 10 Pizza Commandments

Adam Jacobs, contributor   Look, we all know that Noah was full of shit and the 10 commandments weren’t really about morals and whatnot, they were about pizza. The glorious food that is bound to be President one day, if we are lucky. Stop trying to act like you wouldn’t vote for pizza.   Anyway, Jesus was crazy about pizza. …

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A Final Pizza Party for Our Savior

Aaron Matthess, contributor Jesus knew how to appropriately party with the best of them! I’m sure some of you have heard about “the water getting turned to wine,” but many people have no idea that Jesus encouraged the evolution of Pizza. Remember, the Romans ruled the land during J.C.’s days on Earth, and they had introduced specialty dishes that needed …

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New Jersey Guy’s Opinion on California Pizza, Part 217

Drew Jersey, contributor   Did you see this shit? A company from California has invented a robot that makes, bakes, and delivers pizza pies. What the fuck. Everyone knows the best pizza-making-and-delivery-robots come from the East Coast. There’s no way Californian pizza-making-and-delivery-robots are better than pizza-making-and-delivery-robots from New Jersey. No way. First off, the crust. The crust that accumulates around …

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