Savage Henry

Ten Tips for Breaking Up with Your Sister

Jane Malone, contributor Romance is hard, and incest only makes it more complex. We’ve compiled a list of 10 ways to make the transition from girlfriend back to just sibling easier for the whole family!   BE SURE TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD (In front of Mom & Dad, at least!) You’ll need them on your side if it gets …

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Handicapping An Epic All-Siblings Battle Royal

Sean Green, contributor The best part of having a sibling is having someone you can beat the crap out of without suffering any sort of real consequences. I mean, look at Jay-Z: he shot his brother at age 12 and 30 years later became part-owner of the New Jersey Nets. Some might even argue that owning a 20-win Nets team …

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Inside the Earth to Outer Space

M. Bunny, contributor To keep up with the time warp we’re experiencing as a result of parallel universes colliding due to the Mandela Effect, let’s reflect on the Top 10 List from The Trippin’ Issue, and the #1 item folks are tripping on.  WORMHOLES! Wormholes are everywhere around you! Unlike a rabbit hole, which takes its inhabitant deep into the …

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The Truth Behind the USS Enterprise

Clarence Worley, contributor “Space, the final frontier.” True words spoken by a true badass. Oh yeah! His name??? Fucking Captain James T. Kirk — and for three solid years, from 1966-1969, this captain adventured all over the universes, shooting up shit, and discovering all kinds of cool scientific space things, all in hopes of progressing life for the good of …

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Letter of Warning from the King in Outer Space

M.Bunny, contributor Here is a letter I found while walking near the Grove of Titans with my dog two weeks ago. Can anyone tell me what this says? I had an expert read this, and she informed me that this letter is surely from a King or Ruler, from Outer Space, and is without a doubt a warning letter for …

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The (True) Story of How I Won the 1997 NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Rocco Tenaglia, contributor In 1997 I had the misfortune of taking part in the abysmal 1997 NBA slam dunk contest. It was Darvin Ham, Mike Finley, Chris Carr, Ray Allen, Bob Sura, Kobe Bryant, and myself. Those other jokers didn’t even stand a chance. I remember the day vividly. I had forgotten my Jordans in the car, so I had …

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My Cousin’s Disgusting, Obnoxious, Ball-Shriveling Wife

William Toblerone, contributor It was November 2023 when I happened to be in St. Louis attending the Skechers conference.  That’s when I got the call. My cousin Daniel was on the phone. Funny thing about Daniel, for three days his legal name was “I know y’all got some liquor in here so fuck you for holding out,” because his mom …

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Space Tourism Is Gonna Suck

Adam Jacobs, contributor Space is just like Earth: rich people always go first and no one can hear you scream, ’cause let’s face it, nobody gives a shit. With companies like SpaceX and Orbital Sciences building prototypes for passenger spaceships, commercial space tourism is around the corner. These companies want to make space travel affordable to the mega rich, so …

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TheSpaceBarIsArguablyTheMostImportantKeyOnAnyKeyboard

SpencerDevine,contributor LookAtItThisWay:lfYou’reRunningAMarathon,DoYouJustKeepRunningAllTheWayThroughOrDoYouStopAndRestLikeSomeoneWhoIsntAMachine?ItsTheSherbertPalletCleanserAfterAFancyMealWithYourFamily,TheBitThatGetsAllThoseOtherComplicatedFlavorsOutOfYourBrain,AFlavorReprieveIfYouWill.NowThisIsntToDiminishTheValueOfEveryKeyOtherThanTheSpaceBar,YouCantHaveThatPalleteCleanserWithoutTheMeal,AndPointedlyYouAlsoCannotReallyHaveTheSorbetAsTheEntireMealEither,You’dStarve.ThereIsAMixtureOfEmotionsTowardsTheSpaceBar,ACuriousBlendOfReverenceAndFearOfAbandonment,SimilarToAPeoples’RelationshipWithAnAngryGod.WhereDoesTheFearComeFromYouAsk?SomeScholarsTheorizePerhapsThatItAllDrawsFromADeep-SeededCoreOfSemamticClaustrophobia. SureItsNotRealClaustrophobiaButBeingADoctorIsHardAndTheDoctorsDeserveALittleBitOfLeewayWhenProvidingPivotalEvidenceInAnExperimentalFieldSuchAsWordScience.OnTheFlipSideOfThisSocietalConcernIsItsOppositeAffliction,WhichDealsWithTheOverabundanceOfSpaceRatherThanItsLimitation.”InSpaceNoOneCanHearYouScream,”IsATerrifyingSayingBecauseItEmphacizesAPrimalFearOfLonelinessAndVunerabilityInTheFaceOfAll-EncompassingEmptiness.SpaceSeemsLimitless,AndToBeLostInTheMiddleIsLikeAFlyBeingDroppedIntoAMassiveInkWellOnlyToBeSwallowedUpByItsPowerfulDarkness.TheWordsWhichProvideContextForTheSpaceBarInThisScenarioAreTheBitsOfAnInterstellarVoyageThatKeepYaSane:Crewmembers,CleverRobots,AndWhateverOtherMetaphorsKeepSomeoneSaneOutsideTheOzoneLayer.ItsTheDependenceThatMustBeBrokenBeforeTheObsessionModernPeopleHaveEvolvedTowardsTheSpaceBarCanTransformIntoAGlimmerOfHealthyGrammaticalControl.TheSuggestionOfScientificExpertsIsToTakeTheInitiativeAndSay”BuzzOff”ToWhoeverMakesTheRules.YouAreTheMasterOfYourOwnLanguage,NoMatterIfYouFeelEnclosedByOrOverwhelminglyFreeOfTheSpaceBarsGuidanceAndPower:YouCreateYourOwnSpaceTheRestIsJustATool.   @SpencerTDevine

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