Savage Henry

How to Tell If Someone is Weird

Evan Vest, contributor   Everybody is a little weird in their own right, but some definitely stand out more than others! Here are some major tells that let you know you are dealing with a grade-A weirdo.   They have INFOWARS.COM written on their forehead Look out! This guy is advertising his favorite website for free. The weird thing here …

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Good Ol’ Uncle Levi

William Toblerone, contributor   Once again, Uncle Levi pulled out his old yearbook to show us how much potential he once had.  He was an accomplished track star and the president of his senior class. He usually skipped past the page where he was voted “Most Likely to Succeed”, because it saddened him that things didn’t go as planned. One …

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The Problem With Spotify Within the Music Industry

Rocco Tenaglia, contributor I must admit that, even while writing this, I still pay for a Spotify subscription. The “Discover Weekly” playlists, intuitive gestures, and large catalogue all make the Swedish streaming sensation an obvious choice for the smartphone-toting music lover. And, yet, there is something incredibly unsettling about the effect Spotify has on the music industry. When I first …

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Five Guys Burgers and Fries – Santa Cruz (on acid)

Josh Van Lockant, contributor   Walking in after getting up enough nerve to leave the park bench after the Hog Farm acid really kicked in, I was immediately struck by the checkered motif. It felt like I was in that “Don’t Come Around Here No More” Tom Petty video. And then I got sad about Petty and then the fucking …

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I Pull My Pants Down When I Pee and Now I Make $12,000 a Year

Pat Dylan, contributor   Teachers had their concerns about Andy.   “He always smelled of fine French cheese, and industrial strength airplane glue,” said Mrs. Melfer, his 3rd grade teacher.   Everyone was aware of the puzzling bouquet of aromas, but soon that odd fact would be eclipsed by his propensity to drop trow like George Michael in a truck …

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Childhood Abandonment Issues

Zeke Herrera, staff   People often accuse me of being distrusting and distant, and those serial killers can get the fuck away from me, but they might have a point. When I was a kid my parents would fight constantly over everything (money, cleaning; Friday the 13th was the best). One night my dad got real drunk. I was in …

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Spicy Asshole Letter

I love Savage Henry enough to lick his asshole. Unless he ate spicy fast food recently. Happy Holidays to all of you degenerate drunks! XOXO   – L-Train

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How to Lose a Lighter in 10 days.. Or hours..

Heather Lima, contributor   DAY 1 Go to every fucking gas station until you come across the perfect decal that says, “Hey, I’m original as fuck.” This will ensure that everyone is going to be fucking with your fire game.   DAY 2 Take your lighter to a crowded bar and offer your Bic to every drunk person who needs …

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Avoid These Common Harvest Season Injuries

Adam Jacobs, contributor   Hallelujah, it’s harvest season, that wonderful time of year when our botanical bounty is ripe for the smoking. While this is truly a magical time, we also must be aware of the serious dangers that come with copious amounts of ganja flooding our bongs. I’m not a doctor but I have spent some time in a …

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Sympathetic Grower Can’t Bring Himself to Smoke ‘Susan’

Aaron Pitcher, contributor   Marijuana cultivation can be a rewarding experience, replete with the promise of fat wallets and fatter sacks. Those in the grower community, however, understand that it comes with inherent risk. Maybe the plants won’t take. Maybe it’s illegal for you. Maybe you huff your profits in three days of heavy post-harvest fiendin’. These pitfalls are widely …

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