Savage Henry

The Mother Vines – Following Me

Adam Jacobs, contributor Wait, what kind of punk band sings about burning sage? Oh yeah, a punk band from Arcata, CA. I guess The Mother Vines are more Arcata than a roaming yak on the plaza. This band is the classic “muffin top”: too much junk for their trunk. Punk rock mixed with surf rock guitars fueled by a Jello …

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John Tesh – Christmas Worship

Clyde McFadden, contributor Some say there is a “war on Christmas,” which begs the question, who does John Tesh worship? I know the answer; John Tesh worships my beloved cat, Mr. Jigglebeans! To verify Mr. Tesh’s devotion, one needs to go no further than his spectacular holiday masterpiece, Christmas Worship. I’m still trying to figure out if he thinks I …

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Questions with Gary, The Professional Ghost

Patrick Dangermond, contributor State your name. My name’s Gary and I am a ghost. What were you like when you were alive? I was a seventh century professional acteur! Oh really! So what happened to you? Oh I was an awful acteur. In fact, after a particularly mundane rendition of John Fletcher’s The Noble Gentleman, I was pelted to death …

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My Sister Sees The Dead and I’m Afraid of Dying

Andrea (Hypochandrea) Bartunek, contributor I have never seen a ghost and I’m not sure if I want to. I have definitely felt a ghost, or maybe that was some weird sleep disorder. I’m not sure, but I’m a hypochondriac, so I’ll go with the latter. I guess I’m not open to it enough to see a ghost, or maybe it’s …

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An Open Letter from that VHS Tape from The Ring

Robert Berry, contributor “SEVEN MORE DAYS!” It’s been NINE fucking years since I’ve been able to say that! Sure, there was a point where being a cursed video tape that would kill anyone who watched it seven days later seemed like a great gig, but these days? Not so much! I’ve been sitting in a Goodwill, mistakenly placed inside of …

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Balls of Shit – The Musings of a Dung Beetle

Sam Greenspan, contributor Yes, it’s true. Try as I might, I just can’t seem to care about anything other than my amazing ball of shit. It’s what I live for, live on, sleep in, eat from, give birth in. I mean, really, why try and force new things on an old poet that’s too in love with the same stanza? …

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Barry

Mikey Walz, contributor I live with a cat named Barry. Note that I say “I live with a cat” and not that I “have a cat”. The cat belongs to my girlfriend and was already here when I moved in. In this way, I have felt more like a cat step-dad than a cat owner. It doesn’t help that I’m …

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Top 5 WILD Animals We SHOULD Have Evolved From

Paul Danke, contributor Everyone knows that human beings evolved from apes (probably) and what a colossal fuck-up that turned out to be; apes don’t even have tails. But what, should “(wo)man” have evolved from, monkeys? We’d be so tiny! Tails yes, but so tiny. Sure, we would probably use less in the way of fossil fuels, thus slowing our eventual …

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Some Wild Communicating Skills

Ausbon Brown III, contributor Wild Animals and humans have coexisted on this planet since we first evolved from animals ourselves, apes. Or since when we rode on the backs of dinosaurs, shooting off pistols, drinking beer… at least that is the version of religious Creationism I was taught growing up in the Southern United States. Either way, you get the …

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