Savage Henry

Alabama Shakes – Sound & Color

Rosa Green, contributor Being 38 weeks pregnant all I want to do is listen to the new Alabama Shakes album, Sound & Color, eat ice cream, and be massaged. The album is excellent. It’s less safe than their first release, Boys & Girls, and more interesting. They get a little weird and the vibe is funkier than their very rehearsed …

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Death of Classmate Irritates Cheerleaders

Tiffany Greysen, contributor Dear Yearbook Editor, We, The Wolverine Cheerleaders, class of 2015—except for former member, Rayia, who has been kicked off the team for being a betrayer of secrets and a horrible human being—write to appeal to your sense of team spirit and loyalty. We think it was really nice to acknowledge former sophomore student Gibby Smithe’s life and …

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Diarrhea Planet / Those Darlins – Live at Pickathon

Adam Jacobs, contributor Whoa, two rock bands from Nashville recorded a live album in Portland, Oregon and will be released on a limited press vinyl? Big fucking deal. Too much hype for two 5-song sets. Diarrhea Planet . . . WTF dudes, you had not one single toilet sound or fart noise, what kind of brand is that? With vocals …

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Instagram Letter

Hello there 🙂 Thank you so much for replying to my Savage Henry needs via Instagram 🙂 My collection has only begun at issue # 37 and is consecutive until issue #49. After that I struggled with finding new issues. Managed to find #59 stopping by chance in San Juan. Thank you very much again for taking the time to …

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Update: High Praise Indeed

Per my published letter about Sarah Godlin’s review on the AA Bar & Grill you asked me to let you know what sort of things Sonny Wong throws away. 1. An empty bottle of Dom Perignon 2. Empty jars of Beluga caviar 3. A twelve pack of Trojan Magnums (His girl is always smiling) 4. Kraft Mac & cheese box …

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She’s Just That Into Me

William Toblerone, contributor I met her at a flea market. We were both checking out these tapestries with tigers and Richard Petty and some other awesome shit printed on them. She was gorgeous. Big ol’ boobs. Really made me think about doing it. She was with this big muscled-up foreign-talking guy.  I could tell he was rich, too, because he …

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Local High School Wrestling Match Attendance Hits All-Time High Since PTA Moms Replaced Team’s Singlets with a New Sexier Version

Tiffany Greyson, contributor Maddy, president of the PTA – who has a $60,000 unused marketing degree – explained: “Wrestling has never been a high-generating-revenue sport for the PTA. We wanted to look at our opportunities for growth and see what could be done to change this. The PTA had a rainy-day fund which we wanted to use to invest into …

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Rick Rude Stole My Lady

Timothy Paul, contributor It was 1989, I was young, cocksure, but out of my element in Daytona Beach, Florida at a popular wrestling-themed bar named the Turnbuckle. What happened that evening was humiliating, but I left knowing the burden of being a man. My first girlfriend Misty and I were sharing a Junkyard Dog garbage plate, and I was talking …

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Bring Back the REAL WWF

Keith D, contributor The World Wildlife Fund can suck it! There can only be one organization called the WWF and it should the ass-kicking one, brother! The only endangered Animal I care about is Road Warrior Animal, because I don’t want to live in a world where that legendary tag team has become extinct (RIP Hawk). For those unfamiliar with …

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The Wrath of the Undertaker

Dash Kwiatkowski, contributor Agent: Mr. President, we’re here to warn you about the greatest threat our nation has ever faced. President: Is this about ISIS?   Agent: No… the Undertaker, sir. President: I’m sorry, the Undertaker?  The pro wrestler?   Agent: That’s right.  He’s gone mad with power, and now he’s chokeslamming everyone, sir.  Chokeslamming them to hell. President: Now, …

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