Savage Henry

An Open Letter from that VHS Tape from The Ring

Robert Berry, contributor “SEVEN MORE DAYS!” It’s been NINE fucking years since I’ve been able to say that! Sure, there was a point where being a cursed video tape that would kill anyone who watched it seven days later seemed like a great gig, but these days? Not so much! I’ve been sitting in a Goodwill, mistakenly placed inside of …

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Balls of Shit – The Musings of a Dung Beetle

Sam Greenspan, contributor Yes, it’s true. Try as I might, I just can’t seem to care about anything other than my amazing ball of shit. It’s what I live for, live on, sleep in, eat from, give birth in. I mean, really, why try and force new things on an old poet that’s too in love with the same stanza? …

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Barry

Mikey Walz, contributor I live with a cat named Barry. Note that I say “I live with a cat” and not that I “have a cat”. The cat belongs to my girlfriend and was already here when I moved in. In this way, I have felt more like a cat step-dad than a cat owner. It doesn’t help that I’m …

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Top 5 WILD Animals We SHOULD Have Evolved From

Paul Danke, contributor Everyone knows that human beings evolved from apes (probably) and what a colossal fuck-up that turned out to be; apes don’t even have tails. But what, should “(wo)man” have evolved from, monkeys? We’d be so tiny! Tails yes, but so tiny. Sure, we would probably use less in the way of fossil fuels, thus slowing our eventual …

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Some Wild Communicating Skills

Ausbon Brown III, contributor Wild Animals and humans have coexisted on this planet since we first evolved from animals ourselves, apes. Or since when we rode on the backs of dinosaurs, shooting off pistols, drinking beer… at least that is the version of religious Creationism I was taught growing up in the Southern United States. Either way, you get the …

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A Taxonomy of Animal Smugness

Allison Mick, contributor Here’s a short list of animals organized by how much better than me they think they are. Elephants – least smug animals ever. They just seem super giving and chill, like if an elephant was a human dude he’d eat you out for like half an hour and never once bitch about “his turn”. Hyenas – they’re …

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Book of Years

Spencer DeVine, contributor When the printing press was invented in 1440, it completely reformed the meaning of knowledge distribution, and gave us such modern treasures as The Hunger Games, and old classics like the Kama Sutra. Books are such a simple concept that go underrated, but every century has its own works of art that stand out as an artistic …

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Class Clown

Mikey Walz, contributor My senior year I won the yearbook title of “Class Clown.” It’s something I still like to use as a working credit when applying for bookings. It connotes longevity, I think. However, I’ve always found the award to be a bit bittersweet. There’s just something about the word “Clown”. It’s really one of the only yearbook titles …

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This SHIT’s for Reels: That Was a Rough Year

Michel Sargent, contributor Three hapless grade school troublemakers in boarding school get Zero For Conduct (1933) and begin plotting their way out of continuous Sunday detentions. After finding the attic store of ammunition the whole class makes a Jolly Roger and declare surreal war with “dirty cans and smelly boots, liberty or death!” Influenced by Zero For Conduct, the film …

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