Savage Henry

Mail the Horse – Planet Gates

Adam Jacobs, contributor Hipsters love trying to sound like their grandfather’s friends from the ‘30s.  Mail the Horse? Oh, I get it; you’re like the Pony Express . . . completely useless and happily extinct. Have you ever thought about the guy from Mumford and Sons falling ass first onto a steel guitar, basically eating a guitar neck with his …

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Is It Bleach?

James Stephen, contributor It was August in Northern Michigan. The lake was clear and cool and we were camping. Five families and their 5th wheels, doublewides, and pop-ups. It was 11 in the morning and everyone had already had their Bloody Mary to cure the hangover from the night before. It was time to do some serious drinking. Every camp …

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Homestyle Buffet

William Toblerone, contributor Well, the whole drive-through enema thing is a bust. And I went through all of the trouble to remove the fences and trees from the front yard so that people could drive straight up to my kitchen window to enjoy a quality enema in the comfort of their vehicle. But the landlord is all, “Your destruction of …

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Blackheart Honeymoon – Mountains Speak

Samantha Gilweit, contributor I feel like if you told alt-folk bands that they could no longer use the words, “home,” “road,” and “alone” in their lyrics, most would be totally fucked. I am happy to say that Blackheart Honeymoon is a refreshing exception. Finally a country/rock/folk indie band that I can listen to without feeling the need to take a …

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Nation’s Uteruses and Cervixes Barricade Themselves in Abandoned Mall

Sam Greenspan, contributor In a desperate attempt to defend themselves from the onslaught of ravenous zombies seeking to consume and thereby control their very function through viral infections, biting, or aggressive, shitty legislature, our nation’s wealth of female reproductive systems have all taken refuge in a local abandoned mall. Spearheading the last vestige of independent choice concerning their fates, the …

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Dam-Funk Invite the Light

Samantha Gilweit, contributor Have you lost the funk? Yeah, you have because we’ve all lost the funk. Look at us, in our business casual wear, drinking five dollar coffees, and saying terrible words like “infotainment.” We are FUNKLESS. But LA based electro/disco/funk artist Dâm-Funk is here to help. Dâm-Funk has been described as “Roller Disco.” I personally hate this term …

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The Tallest Man on Earth – Dark Bird Is Home

Sam Greenspan, contributor Without even attempting to keep in line with the overarching autumnal theme of this issue, the predominant word that floats through my mind as I ponder the gorgeous melodies, ethereal piano chords, and shockingly appealing tin-can resonance on the Tallest Man on Earth’s third album is simply “haunting.” This particular record is significantly more produced than his …

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Things That Should Totally Be Illegal

Evan Vest, contributor In 1970, Cannabis was deemed a Schedule 1 narcotic, making the selling and possession of the substance a federal offense. Isn’t that fucking bogus? I think cannabis is a schedule FUN narcotic. Anyway, here’s some dumb things I think should be illegal, maybe. Crying on television Talking about your kids on Facebook Riding a fixed-gear bike with …

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I Should Just Cut My Balls Off: Reggae on the River 2015

Adam Jacobs, contributor “I should just cut my balls off…” My experience at Reggae on the River 2015. That doesn’t sound very reggae of me, does it? Reggae on the River may be the scariest place on earth if you let the drugs get to you. Walking around this festival, I couldn’t tell if I was an extra in the …

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The One Star Yelp Review of Cassius Marcellus Coolidge

Spencer DeVine, contributor Let me start off by saying, Mr. Coolidge, that I hope you appreciated the gift I sent you in the mail, as it can be extremely difficult attempting to FedEx your own feces without the suspicions of the driver. I wish you a slow and painful death reminiscent only of the final ring of Dante’s inferno, forever …

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