Savage Henry

And if You Don’t Know, Now Pruno

Sam Greenspan, contributor Velvety. Smooth. Relaxing. Romantic — they’re not just words to describe prison anymore. So why are our nation’s incarcerated enjoying all of the warm aromatics and carcinogens afternotes of Pruno (or toilet prison wine) for themselves? Well, my fellow freedom-guzzling plutocrats, those days are a thing of the past. Learning from the mistakes of my grandfather — …

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The Grapes of Revenge

Zeke Herrera, contributor Two scientist gather around a grape in a lab. The older scientist grabs a syringe and injects the grape. Young Scientist Nothing’s happening. Old Scientist Give it time. Young Scientist We’re never going to grow grapes that crush themselves. Old Scientist Why are you talking like that? I know what we’re trying to do, so who’s that …

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Canned Wine: So easy to open, even a child should do it

Adam Pearlstein, contributor If you’re tired of people assuming you’re educated because you enjoy wine, Underwood Wineries has the answer for you: wine in a can. As you know, wine was invented by Jesus Christ on his 21st birthday. After famously turning a glass of water into wine, Jesus drank the wine, pooped out grapes, and planted wineries all around …

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Advanced Cooking with Wine

William Toblerone, Contributor No, I don’t think I have to tell you how to do everything. But I also know you have a tendency to fuck things up like it’s your life’s purpose. (Remember when we lost our deposit after your Hindenburg themed party?) So just follow these instructions so you won’t starve. You will need: 2  slices of bread …

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Toasts from a Wino

Keith D, contributor  Every morning, when my freshly toasted bread pops out of my toaster (AKA: trash can fire), I raise my glass of wine in the air and whimsically declare, “To toast.” I then proceed to down my glass because it’s bad luck to slow-play your toast drink. Just one of many… Toasts from a Wino: To Franzia, because …

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Rock Stars Come Together to Bring “Notes of Hope” to Napa Valley

Samantha Gilweit, contributor Over 300 million dollars in damages, thousands of bottles broken, and several Chateaus brought down to rubble. These are just some of the horrifying statistics coming from the Napa earthquake that led Armando Van Trestle of Van Trestle Vineyards to throw “Notes of Hope for Napa” the largest benefit concert Napa Valley has ever seen. “People are …

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Rodion G.A. – Behind the Curtain (The Lost Album)

Willa Kiernan, contributor Rodion G.A. was the Brave Little Toaster of creating sweet, progressive electronic music in Stalinist, Communist Romania. Remember, this was the 70s, when it was basically illegal to listen to music, have long hair, and literally illegal to own a typewriter without a permit. Despite these limitations, Rodion listened to Kraftwerk, procured electronic music equipment, and even …

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The Rentals – Lost in Alphaville

Leah Brzezinski, contributor Either there’s been a rash of 90s bands reigniting themselves, or I’m so out of touch with today’s trends that my editor will only assign me albums within my “old lady safety bubble.” I loved The Rentals’ last full-length LP, Seven More Minutes, back in 1999, but former Weezer bassist and Rentals frontman Matt Sharp and his ever-rotating …

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Shovels & Rope – Swimmin’ Time

Rosa Green, contributor Shovels & Rope’s new album Swimmin’ Time is exactly what I needed for the end of summer. Cary Ann Hearst and Michael Trent write songs that roll over you like waves and inspire hollering along in the car. The strength of their collaboration is apparent in their powerful, spontaneous, sometimes unusual harmonies. Their songs are chewy, and …

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Lemme Tell You About My Fantasy Team Real Quick

Hey, I know a lot of people say this sort of thing doesn’t interest them, but I see your Eagles sweatshirt there, and you gotta hear this. I’ve been in this fantasy football league — well, I’m in like 10 fantasy leagues every year, but this one, all these guys I know, my poker buddies, couple of guys I used …

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