Savage Henry

Sand Devises Nefarious Plan to Invade Millions of Orifices

Sam Wingspan, contributor After learning of various threats to our country’s millions of fun loving beach goers this summer, the CIA has acquired documentation suggesting a proposed invasion orchestrated by the nation’s untold quadrillions of grains of sand to infiltrate our most private of places. The proposed targets included but were not limited to thighs, toe gaps, nostrils, anuses, scrotal …

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A Broke Girl’s Guide to Being a Rich Bitch

Maya Schubert, contributor Problem: Expensive Drinks There is no way I’m going to pay 12 dollars for some drink that’s mostly watered down juice. I don’t go out to sip my drink and have a few laughs with friends, I want to wake up the next morning wearing a grass skirt on the floor of a stranger’s house (sans a …

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It’s Cool to Pee the Pool

Adam Jacobs, contributor Please don’t act like you don’t do it; that’s why there’s chlorine in the pool, ya dingus. Shoot, I only pee in the pool, sometimes dumpies too, but that’s for a different issue. We’ve all been there, splashing around in the pool on a hot, sunny day, and you have this tingling sensation in your nether regions. …

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European Wang Wrappers and Banana Hammocks

Tommy Lucero, contributor Banana Hammocks. Slut Slings. The ever impressive Penis Patch. Whatever the fashion faux pas you want to eye-screw your fellow humans with this season, make sure it’s both nauseating and overwhelmingly offensive, as I’m sure that’s the whole point of the swimsuit. I personally don’t leave my backyard wading pool, since that’s where the two liter of …

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Why The O.C. Is the Best and You Can Too!

Justin Gomes, contributor FACT – The O.C. had a dope as hell soundtrack. The O.C. Mix albums, containing songs featured on the show, often reached Billboard’s top lists. And when I say often, I mean ALL OF THEM. They damn near had the entirety of Good News For People Who Love Bad News play throughout the show and that alone …

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This SHIT’s for Reels – Safety Edition

Mike Sargent, Staff Halloween Safety (1977) shows how unsafe and crappy a little girl’s witch costume is, and how she’ll probably die unless she turns into a princess with safety reflectors. The nice synth soundtrack gets you through the accompanying strangers-will-poison/razor-blade-you propaganda. A cheap-looking crone who “never wanted to be a dirty old witch” cackles and schemes to “reverse everything” …

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Bitter Police Forces Drop New “Fuck the Public” EP

Sam Greenspan, contributor After years of being accused of every ill in the nation on a ground level while still being called upon to help out and get their hands dirty whenever an actual problem is present, the United States’ police forces, from coast to coast, decided to express their collective woes by dipping their feet in the cleansing waters …

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If People in Other Professions Acted Like Cops

Zeke Herrera, staff Movie Theater Attendant MTA: Hey, I just caught you texting. Me: I’m sorry, I’ll put it away. MTA: Actually, it’s a $240 fine. Me: I don’t want to pay that. MTA: Well, you can apply for a chance to contest it and if we arbitrarily agree to it you can come back and try to convince my …

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Wynkin, Blynken, and Nod

Tommy Lucero, contributor The names Wynkin, Blynken, and Nod are synonymous with the sweet slumber that is supposed to come at the end of the day. Unfortunately I have a three ring circus that pipes up in my head as soon as I hit the pillow. In effect it makes me want to kick all three of those young men …

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Cherished Lullabies Mom Sang to Me

William Toblerone, contributor Rock a Bye Rock-a-bye baby In the tree top We’ll come down from this tree When daddy sobers up Hush Little Baby Hush little baby don’t say a goddamn word There’s bad people at the door looking for mommy When we get out of this I’ll buy you all the diamond rings you want. If them diamond …

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