Savage Henry

Embezzling: America’s Greatest Pastime

Bruce Lynch, contributor Are you a criminal scumbag? Have found it difficult to generate wealth from the seedy underbelly of society? Ever think about playing it straight and getting a white collar job? Stop being an asshole! If you want to move up in the world you don’t have to land a white collar job, you just have to be …

Read More »

Escaping the Squalor of the 99%

William Toblerone, contributor Folks, the road to extreme wealth is all about trial and error. You have to persist. In my first attempt, I followed an ad that caught my eye while reading an Internet site about how to do sex better. The ad promised that I could get rich working at home for only 30 MINUTES A DAY!!!. That …

Read More »

Recipes for the Wealthiest Children in the World

Justin Alan, contributor Hello parents (or more likely, nannies), and welcome to a fun little adventure in cooking. I know cooking for children can sometimes be trying on the patience when you are one of the wealthiest parents (or more likely, work for the wealthiest parents and secretly daydream about framing them for fraud and evening the score a little), …

Read More »

Food Stamps to Fortune – A Comprehensive Guide

Zach Chappell, contributor Government provided food aid, while useful, isn’t actually the best stepping stone to a life of wealth and fortune. That is, until you start thinking about your food stamps differently. Here are a few ways you can take that fake money and turn it into something useful. For some of these methods you will have to spend …

Read More »

This SHITs for Reels – Beach Edition

Mike Sargent, staff “The annual migration of the idiot” is Welcome to Spring Break (1989) and the accompanying beachsploitation horror, Biker on spring breaker violence, corrupt city officials, T & A sexism, an annoying priest, and unholy death explosion by electrocution motorcycle. Not cool. An island bound ship with Little Richard harbors cheating art burglars with a stolen painting and …

Read More »

Whitney – Light Upon the Lake

Sam Wingspan, contributor I have listened to Light Upon The Lake, the debut album by Whitney, three times in a row now. Not because I have a super analytical brain that needs to pick it apart like I’m watching Eraserhead on three cups of coffee; it’s because I have simply wanted to hear it again and again. The band, comprised …

Read More »

SUUNS – Hold/Still

Andrea Bartunek, contributor Hold/Still by SUUNS is like jumping into a hot tub filled with bubble wrap. That’s the weirdest analogy I have ever made, but I’ll stick to it. It seems like that would feel good. I tried to play it in the store where I work, and one woman said, “This is weird music.” She’s right, but you …

Read More »

I Read Savage Henry with Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti

I was having a shit day when I found your magazine outside of my local liquor store in Chico. A combination of your mag and the fucking giant bottle of wine I bought really improved my day. Hope I find the next issue. — @kaylieshainexo to @savagehenrymagazine on Instagram Ed note – Thanks @kaylieshainexo! Our website, savagehenrymagazine.com, has a map where …

Read More »

Sand Devises Nefarious Plan to Invade Millions of Orifices

Sam Wingspan, contributor After learning of various threats to our country’s millions of fun loving beach goers this summer, the CIA has acquired documentation suggesting a proposed invasion orchestrated by the nation’s untold quadrillions of grains of sand to infiltrate our most private of places. The proposed targets included but were not limited to thighs, toe gaps, nostrils, anuses, scrotal …

Read More »

A Broke Girl’s Guide to Being a Rich Bitch

Maya Schubert, contributor Problem: Expensive Drinks There is no way I’m going to pay 12 dollars for some drink that’s mostly watered down juice. I don’t go out to sip my drink and have a few laughs with friends, I want to wake up the next morning wearing a grass skirt on the floor of a stranger’s house (sans a …

Read More »