Savage Henry

The Savage Henry Guide To Being Fancy

Zeke Herrera, contributor It’s not easy for everybody to be fancy, especially you losers. Luckily I got the drop on being fancy before it got mainstream. Check it: Get a monkey – Is there anything funnier than a monkey? Yes, a drunk monkey. Get one for yourself so it can get you beer and throw feces at poor people without …

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Cult Films reveal the future

Michel Sargent, contributor Cult films have suggested many ways to deal with the criminally insane and warmongers. The battle arena worked so well in the past (when in Rome), so why not the future? In the far totalitarian future of 1995, Escape 2000 (1982) takes the hint by pitting strange heavily armed VIP guests against four undesirable prisoners in a …

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Parquet Courts: Sunbathing Animal

Rosa Green, contributor “Bodies made of slugs and guts,” begins the Parquet Courts album, Sunbathing Animal. The lyrics are yelled/sung, simple, lazy and angry-sounding with guitar and drum accompaniment. The next verse starts, “Bodies made of sparks and dust,” and suddenly we’re astral. Get used to it. Immediately I hear the inspiration for the album’s name; it could be sung …

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Movies That Take Place In A Future In The Past

Zeke Herrera, Staff Movies that take place in the future aren’t always 100% accurate. In the movie 2012 John Cusack is still moderately successful so obviously that movie didn’t really happen, but in 2001: A Space Odyssey they had Velcro shoes and Stanley Kubrick is nowhere to be found, so it’s not entirely false.  Here’s the differences between the movies …

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An open letter to Capt. Jean Luc Picard

Ensign Cornelius Smith, contributor Hi Captain Picard. How’s it going? I was just dropping a line to see if it was at all possible to switch my uniform color from red to any other color. Rest assured, it’s not a vanity thing at all, more of a self preservation thing. You see, I’ve noticed that when a lot of my …

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Captcha Records I N T R O D U C I N G . . .

Leah Brzezinski, contributor  Do you dig experimental psychedelic rock and punk? Lots of noodling around on electric guitars and random saxophone and synth solos? Do you wish you could check out a well-curated sampler of semi-obscure tracks without having to search high and low? If you answered “yeah, I guess” to one or more of the above, then download this …

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Same Sh%t, Different Year

Andrea Bartunek, contributor Theories about the future are pretty generic. Teleporters, flying cars, robots, minimalistic tall buildings, aliens — these are givens. Our major cities will be up and running with technological advances, but technology and things in general will be just as annoying to deal with as in our present-day life. Teleportation will have been invented but it will …

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Table Of Contents Aug. 2030

Table of Contents from a future issue of Savage Henry August, 2030 Pg…………………………………Story title 3 …………………………………234 pages of letters from all the inmates who write us 238………………………………..Catty Mean Old Lady 239..………………………………Six Ensures Deep with Josh Duke 241…..……………………………Ben’s…..Ben’s…..Ah fuck it I forgot 243………………Music Reviews, probably another fuckin’ record from Guided By Voices 244…………………………………The Rite Aid Velcro Laced Shoetosser 245…………………………………Humboldt’s Most Eligible …

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Dr. Foxmeats Guide to Antique Appraising

Dr. Foxmeat When was the last time you pulled those out the family antique chest and dusted those things off? If you are like me, it’s been TOO long. The unfortunate thing about that is, all of us, even mexican people, have an untapped fortune of these gross old oddities, just laying around collecting grime. The good news: I am …

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Would ______ Help You Survive In The Desert? Item #445: Cowbell (More! More!)

Spencer Devine Welcome fellow travelers to the inaugural edition of “Would ______ Help You Survive In The Desert?”, a log judging the quality of various assorted items in desert survival scenarios. My name is Spencer “Beast Mode” DeVine and I will be your guide for this journey through Mother Nature’s desolate backside, so grab onto the person next to you …

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