Savage Henry

Lend Me an Ear

Spencer DeVine, contributor Van Gogh was no doubt one of the greatest artistic minds of all time, while also being real real nutty. Despite his art though we all know what he’s famous for, yes that’s correct reader, Van Gogh supposedly cut off his own ear and sent it to his lover. Van Gogh was an awful secret Santa. However, …

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Vincent Van Bro

Leslie Small, contributor I love bitches, and for a skinny ginger like me the quickest way into a broad’s pantaloons was with a paint brush. Metaphorically, of course; I wasn’t hacking my way in there or anything.Those brushes are expensive! But you tell some silly chicken she’d look dope immortalized forever in oil as a tribute to her eternal hotness …

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A PG Date

Sam DiSalvo, contributor I spent most of my tweens plucking my eyebrows bare in order to look pretty and hairless, a la Hilary Duff. I have black hair, am Middle Eastern and Italian (read: layer of hair over entire body), and had no boyfriends in Good Charlotte, so I was 0 for 3 in my Hilary Duff morph. Not only …

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This Show Stinks: The Temporary Undoing of Whitney the Hobo

William Toblerone, contributor When I was a little one growing up in North Carolina, every local television station tried to save revenue by creating their own low-budget host for the precious after-school cartoon audience. There was a barely moveable 2D cardboard blob on Barney’s Cartoon Army on WRAL. There was creepy old piano guy in a tux named Uncle Paul …

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Technically PG

Danny Felts, contributor Dear Readers, As a combination film major/person born in 1988, I thought it would be best to use the PG issue to examine one of the biggest issues of my generation: Why/How Don Bluth is one of the creepiest motherfuckers to shape my childhood. Hands down this guy is one of the creepiest, most unsettling, technically PG …

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I Did Whatever I Wanted

Jonathan Ott, contributor Poppa was a rolling stone… I mean… Poppa was always chasing rocks… What I’m trying to say is my dad freebased crank. It put an emotional strain on our family, because there was never enough left over for my Mom. And you know how women can get when they think you’re holding out on them. It turns …

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Proper Gun Safety

Rob McManus, contributor Hello, and congratulations on owning your very own gun! I believe it is the duty of all Americans, regardless of criminal history, to own a firearm. Owning a firearm ensures your family’s safety and also assures the immediate demise of any body or spirit entity wishing to inflict harm on said fam fam. But with great responsibility …

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A Kumite* on Sesame Street

Zeke Herrera, contributor *big ass karate fight When I was 8 I watched two types of movies: kung fu movies and Space Jam. When I was 8 I also wrote this. The original still had a lot of swearing. I don’t remember how it went entirely but I remember the the important parts. So here it is: It’s just a …

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Cursing in PG

Keith D, contributor Hey you dirty dogsuckers, did you know you could swear just as well or better without actually cursing? Bullpee you say? It’s true; I’ve been doing it the whole dog-gamned time! But it doesn’t end there. Why not open businesses with phonetically-edgy yet family-friendly names? Who wouldn’t buy their furniture from the Sofa King? You can hear …

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FernGully: The Last Rainforest Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Rosa Green, contributor The soundtrack to the movie Ferngully is a beautiful meditation on nature and love. It starts with the gentle excitement of newly budding love with the songs “Life is a Magic Thing” and “A Dream Worth Keeping.” Then, the insanity of “Batty Rap,” a genius performance by Robin Williams where he sings, “I been brain-fried, electrified, infected …

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