Savage Henry

Against “Progress”

Choada Salinas, staff Progressives are stupid. They seem to think that “progress” is the answer to all of their problems. What they can’t understand is that “progress” is the problem. They built a house of cards on a fundamentally flawed idea and it’s bound to come fluttering down. “Progressives” can’t even say what “progress” actually means. Every time I ask …

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NEVERMIND (WHAT WAS IT ANYWAY?)

William Head, contributor You want “Old Timey”? How about my dick? No really. Grey pubes! Think about that for a second. How would that make your Monday morning Cronut™ taste, huh? Because that’s how I take my coffee now: extra hot, so that I might feel sensation all the way down in my salt & pepper pubic region. Grey pubes, …

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The Tale of Sir Muskers

Misha Trubs, contributor On a gray October afternoon, Sir Muskers stumbled in to his favorite Prohibition Bar, conveniently located below an old Cheese Factory, and ordered his favorite drink, a whiskey tonic. A once-proud businessman, he sat at the bar alone, and close to broke. His beloved Philadelphia Athletics had just won the 1930 World Series, so he finally had …

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#44 Most Eligible Bachelor

Emily Hobelmann, contributor David Allan James MacCuish, 42, IT Consultant/Cuniculturist, Indianola/Bayside. Dave raises rabbits — rabbits for meat — rabbits that you eat. That qualifies as “cuniculture.” Yum. He lives close to the land. He farms food, not weed, and FYI, his drake could use a flock of ladies. (A drake is a male duck.) Dave, unlike his drake, seeks …

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Rotary Phones and Operators

Tony Persico, contributor I’ve been an old man since I was a kid. I was always out at recess, yelling at the other tykes to get off the monkey bars before they hurt themselves. I ate my lunch two hours before the other kids and was the only one who actually looked forward to nap time. I can appreciate the …

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Dirty Blues

Jeff Oliver, contributor If you watch any sort of news programing you’ll constantly see older people talking about how things were better in THE OLD DAYS. (They definitely weren’t. Read any book ever.) They will continue to talk on and on about how this generation is constantly talking about filth and how that’s what is ruining the country/world, especially when …

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Sugar Honey Iced Tea!

(what Grandma Jones used to say when she burned herself taking a pie out of the oven)  Lucy Castle, contributor My grandpas were very different. One was a Methodist Kentucky coal-miner with tattoos on his back from when the coal dust gathered in the scratches that the pick-axe made, and the other was a Florida cracker who shot pigeons to …

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Album Review: Janelle Monae “The Electric Lady”

Rosa Green, contributor Janelle Monáe’s new album The Electric Lady makes me wiggle in my seat. It’s just so incredibly funky and fun. If I’m having trouble starting my day, I put it on and dance crazily around my kitchen and sing along with “Givin Em What They Love,” her duet with Prince. “Tell your preacher and your teacher I …

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Album Review: Luscious Jackson “The Magic Hour”

Leah Brzezinski, contributor I’m ‘bout to get all Linda Richman on y’all. “At 31:05, The Magic Hour is neither an hour, nor is it magical. Discuss.” Luscious Jackson’s alleged comeback revisits many elements I fondly recall from the seminal Fever In, Fever Out album I loved at age 14: quirky bass grooves, dance riffs, and low/high female unison vocals, particularly …

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Album Review: Cas One The Monster and the Wishing Well

Tim Stiles, contributor A mere 150 words are not enough to describe this album appropriately. I’d love to dig into each track and give you feedback, but I’m restricted. Jacob (Cas One) Snider and Eric Hunter have been diligently working on this record for five years, and it shows. The track “Liberation” is flawless, an example of how perfection is …

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