Savage Henry

Zero Cents

Lucy Castle, contributor   Maybe you had a chore chart, growing up–a weekly calendar with chores on it. Maybe you didn’t, and you just got smacked upside your head while you were sleeping on your couch bed, had a five- dollar bill shoved in your face and got told, “We’re out of milk. Go get some and bring back the …

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5 Must Have Servants For Your New Found Wealth

Andre Parker, contributor So, you’ve found yourself to be in possession of an unlimited amount of fortune and wealth. All your hard work has finally paid off! But you and I both know that’s not how money REALLY works. Nobody “works hard” to get ahead. A smart person sneaks into the competition’s bedroom at night and uses a machete, leather …

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Helpful Money Saving Tips

Danny Felts, contributor    People are always going on about the federal poverty line, and how America, despite being one of the most productive countries in the world, has a rampantly growing impoverished class. People working two to three jobs, families living off a McDonalds salary. Quite frankly, it’s an unpleasant truth we face everyday, and many times outwardly ignore …

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Eddie Money:Songwriter in Debt

The 1980s were a time of overconfidence and excess, and nothing proves this better than the music produced during the decade known mostly for its cocaine and cereal mascots. The post-70’s pop music attitude took, a wonderful turn away from “imagine all the people living in harmony,” opting instead for unapologetic testimony that the hurricane was right there, in front of your …

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Dear Money

Dear Money, We met when I was in elementary school, probably first grade. I was foolish then, I would send you away to other kids because I didn’t know you yet. You were there to feed me, but I wanted to go play. I know now I could have hid you and gathered more of your sweet love each day I skipped …

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Letter to the Editor #41

Dear Savage Henry, Upon perusing this months issue I was flabbergasted to locate an advertisement for a medical cannabis club in Portland Oregon. I thought Savage Henry was a local paper about local topics and local people here in Humboldt. What does “Cannablis” have to do with the local Humboldt community? I don’t understand why you would allow a cannabis club …

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Dr. Shoechucker: Wabbit Manifesto

Dr. Shoechucker, staff   Wabbit Manifesto: An Open Letter To The Elmer Fudds Look Doc, I demand the inalienable right to be left the fuck alone. All of your intrusions into my body and space mean war. Every sheisting capitalist flyer that you hang on my door, every genetically modified carrot, every double barreled shotgun blast in my direction is …

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Album Review: Carcrashlander, “A Plan to Tell the Future.”

Bagel, contributor I knew the name Carcrashlander sounded familiar. I had attended one of their shows a few years back, but had difficulty in recalling their sound. This was most likely attributed to a few too many beers and telling some awesome story outside of the venue. I did remember that they were nice kids and their new album is sick! …

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Album Review Clintongore: “Clintongore”

Leah Brzezinski, contributor   “Oh great, Brooklyn hipster synth-pop,” (rolls eyes, sighs, presses play). “Oh?! Great Brooklyn hipster synth-pop!” Clintongore (pronounced clin-TAH- na-GO-rey) are the type of duo you’d love to hate. There’s the clever name, ironic eyewear, and fancy album art, but they’re sweet, catchy and just too irresistibly cute to deny. Chris Crawford’s bouncy, brazzy beats anchor the innocent insistence of Sierra Frost’s vocals. …

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Everything I Needed to Know About Life I Learned From Cartoon Catchphrases

Keith D, contributor Dr. Albert walks into the waiting room where Keith anxiously awaits news about his friends who were in a horrible accident. Dr. Albert: Hey, hey, hey! Keith (with grave concern): What’s up Doc? Dr. Albert: They’re Greeeat! Keith (exuberant): Happy happy Joy Joy! Dr. Albert: D’oh! Keith (confused): Zoinks? Dr. Albert (rubbing together thumb and forefingers (expecting payment)): Dough… Keith (shocked): Well I’ll be doggoned… …

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