Savage Henry

Why do we trust dudes with beards?

In case you hadn’t noticed, there’s big money in long facial hair. Fact is, you can’t swing a dead cat these days without hitting a consumer product that’s being pimped by dudes with unkempt facial hair. Question is, why? The predominant message Bearded Guy conveys, after all, is that he is too broke — or too lazy — to spend …

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Letter to the editor #05 (b)

Editor, This just in: Pizza-ruiner and all-around art-hater Big Pete has just overseen the buffing of Sheik’s monumental mural on the side of Big Pete’s Arcata location. “I wouldn’t have painted anything if I knew he was going to buff it one month later,” said outraged artist Sheik. “I even used my own paint, time and everything. That mural was …

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Road Rage “Geritol Generation Genocide”

The Angry Driver, Contributor Road rage is never at its most frustrating when stuck behind old people driving. Old. Fucking. People. Driving. They drive cars that are only practical when you need absolute comfort for your champagne-sipping passengers while hurtling down the freeway at 100 m.p.h. They have the worst vision, the worst hearing, the worst reaction times and the …

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Evening in Kadiköy

James Tressler, Contributor In the days of the Ottoman Empire, the streets of Istanbul were plagued by dogs (in some parts of the city this hasn’t changed) — street dogs who wandered alone and, at night, in packs. They were generally cared for well; any dog that lingered outside the door of a cafe would be given some morsel from …

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Letters to the editor #04 (c)

Dear S.H. Editor, While A. Nus (SH #3, letters to the editor) has clearly spent a good portion of his life in the Humboldt pot industry, he’s misidentified the top tier of his cannabis industry hierarchy. Growers don’t belong in this hierarchy, because real growers actually grow and trim their own weed, thus avoiding hierarchy. People who need three cell …

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Letters to the editor #04 (b)

Dear Editor, Wow. Sarah Godlin’s article in the July issue about her Grandma’s forwarded emails. AWESOME! First I tried the hair conditioner to shave my legs. I have this really nice hair conditioner, but I hate the smell. I gave your tip a try, and hot shit, it worked great and I can’t smell my legs anyways! Now I eat …

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Letter to the editor #04 (a)

Dear Savage Henry editors, I am frustrated by your decision to not run my short erotic story, “My Advisor and Me”. As a feminist and avid proponent of First Amendment rights, it offends me that your editorial team would participate in this type of censorship. I felt empowered by writing about a sexual encounter that was both incredibly exciting and …

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So you think you are a badass scrabble player?

Chad Kingston-MacDonald, contributor My advice to you is to do what your parents did: Play on a real board. Oh, sure, you consistently rack up 40-point games on Scrabble for iPhone and routinely score 50-point, seven-letter bonus monsters on “Words with Friends” (a cheap iPhone app ripoff version of Scrabble). We’ve seen you gleefully gloating on Facebook about your use …

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ROAD raGE “The Angry Driver Wants TO lISten, Fuckface”

The Angry Driver, Contributor I admit it freely — I’m one fucking pissed-off, angry motherfucking driver. I get red-faced, vein-popping, screaming mad due to other people’s driving. I pound the steering wheel and honk incessantly and rev the engine to a screaming pitch while tailgating, flashing my lights and trying to intimidate you into getting the goddamn fuck out of …

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Restaurant Review: The Daily Grind

Randi H, Contributor While walking around the small town of Myers Flat, my daughter and I decided to walk into the local coffee shop, the Daily Grind. We weren’t really there to buy anything, we just wanted to check it out. After a look around, we start to walk out. As I am walking out the door, I realize I …

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