Zack Newkirk

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Super Bowl LII Recap: Now with More Hitler

Zack Newkirk, staff   The Super Bowl happened recently. It was a game between the Evil Empire of the NFL, the New England Patriots, and the Not That Great But In The Playoffs Anyway Because That’s How Far The Quality Of The League Has Fallen of the NFL, the Philadelphia Eagles.   It’s hard to get upset when the rich …

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The Rarest Steak of All

Zack Newkirk, staff   In order to impress my date that evening, I ordered my steak rare. The waiter gave me a look — which I took to mean, “Nice job, man. She’s impressed.” — and slithered away. I winked at my date. “Impressed?” I said. She looked confused.   We made small talk until the food arrived. I started …

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Celebrity Snacks Unclassified

Celebs are just like us. They wear jean shorts. They pound off. And baby, you better believe they love to snack! But what do they snack ON? That’s the question that has kept philosophers up all night for thousands of years. Famous people are usually rich, so does that mean they all eat caviar and carpaccio di cavallo in between …

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Savage Henry’s Dog Breed Overview

Everybody loves dogs; heck, they’re the ultimate pet! But did you ever wonder what the differences between all the breeds are? Let me “break it down” for ya!   PUGS These little goofballs look like they got their little faces smashed in! Their little bark is DEFINITELY worse than their little bite, and they love to be snuggled! Very tender! …

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Savage Henry’s 2017 NFL Preview

I’ve been a rabid fan of the National Football League for 30 years now, so it’s strange for me to know that the NFL is headed irreversibly toward collapse — its foundation crumbling around it even as its worth skyrockets — and not be saddened. On the contrary, I welcome its death with open arms.   Under the watchful eye …

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Code Words for Hooters (on a Lady)

Zack Newkirk, staff   If you’re like me, you’re a 12-year-old boy who stands up and applauds for a killer set of knockers. Not to objectify women or anything, but I sure do love to see a slammin’ rack on a babe. Who’s with me?   But don’t let mom catch you talking about a pair of juicy juggs or …

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Come to California: Tourism Guide

If you haven’t heard of California yet — what, have you been living under a rock?!?? You gotta come here, baby! And when you do, here’s the stuff you ABSOLUTELY ARE REQUIRED to see!   THE OCEAN This is one of the seven seas, baby — the Pacific one! It’s hot and heavy, with rolling waves and all the fish …

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Vengeance Night – A Short Story by WeRateDogs

(It’s a wet n boomin night. Doggo sniks into kitchen to snorp some water. Suddenly, a puppers leaps out of the shadows) DOGGO: H*ck fren, u scarin me PUPPERS: That’s my plan, fren DOGGO: What u meanin puppers PUPPERS: I read the letter in ur desk at work, Doggo. I know u borked my wife DOGGO: Whoops PUPPERS: U borked …

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Savage Henry Dating Tips

  Dating can be scary, what with the hygiene, the shame, the pressure, etc. et hoc genus omne. But fear not: with these handy guidelines, you’ll be wowing your potential mate from moment one. Hark:   TIPS FOR MEN   1) Arrive wearing a scary mask that might startle your date into having a good laugh. Bonus points if they …

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Is This Thing On?

Is This Thing On? (Wacky Jim DuBose runs out on stage to polite applause.) Thank you, Wilmington! Thanks so much for coming out! Yes, my name is Wacky Jim DuBose, you heard it right. Wow, what a gorgeous audience! Whoops, I was just looking at myself in the reflection on my glasses. (Audience is silent.) Uh-oh. Tough guys, huh? I …

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