Zack Newkirk

hey-ohhhhhhhhhhh!

I’ll Kill You

  I’m gonna kill you, man. Come back here so I can kill you. I’ll kill you, man. What did you say to me? What? What did you — what? What? What? What? What did you say? What? Say it agai– what? WHAT? WHAT? What? What? I’ll kill you. Listen my man, kill ’em all and let God sort ’em …

Read More »

2016 Presidential Primary: A BuzzFeed Report

2016 Presidential Primary: A BuzzFeed Report Bimante Marie Stonefeld, BuzzFeed Staff OMG moment: you guys, Bernie Sandwich is gonna win this thing. As a staunch feminist and fan of Jimmy Fallon and Channing Tatum, this makes me mad. What is happening to this country? I am a reporter for the news, and when I was born in 1998, this country …

Read More »

License to Cuss

  I’m 18 today, you bastards, and guess what? You can’t tell my butt what to do anymore. I’m heading down to the gas station to buy some skoal and a lighter, and there’s nothing you can do about it. And guess what? I’m gonna damn cuss whenever I want from now on. HELL frickin’ yeah. I get to vote …

Read More »

Savage Henry Top 4

Oh yeah, baby. Time for that top four! Let’s count down, and I know you know the words! Haha. Ok, here we go: 4: Joseph Stalin Hitler gets all the press, but what about this guy? Better mustache, better ding-a-ling from what I’ve heard! Haha! YEAH. And HEYELLL YEAAA he loved Satan, too! DOUBLE-DOWN!! 3: Joseph Stalin Hey, how did …

Read More »

How to Talk to Your Kids About Their Dead Pets

The death of a childhood pet isn’t just a rite of passage; experts now say the experience may help prepare children for the inevitable passing of you, their parent, which will come sooner than you think. Here are a few ways to help your kids understand what happened to Fluffy and Rover: * Be frank with your children. Instead of …

Read More »

Mmm, Sex – Op-Ed

(Editor’s note: every so often, we let one of our editors speak his [or her!] mind in our hallowed pages. This month, it’s the trusted opinion of our Man of Letters, Zack Newkirk) Oh yeah, baby. You guys like the sex? Yeah, me too. So good! I have two kids, so I have to have had sex at least twice, …

Read More »

Top 6 Papa John’s Mysteries Books So Far

Reading is down, according to polls, but that hasn’t stopped Papa John, the guy from pizza, from writing and publishing over 50 books in his Papa John’s Mysteries series so far. I’m proud to say I’ve read them all, and I’ve rated my favorite six of those books here. 6) The Case of the Missing Tiger This one’s pretty good. …

Read More »

The Savage Henry Guide to the 2015-2016 NHL Season

The NHL season is underway, and that means that all of the several thousand fans of hockey in the United States are excited. But did you know that there is another country north of us, and it’s called Canada, and all of the people there love hockey? To appease our readers in the Great White North, here follows a rundown …

Read More »

If I Was Your Boyfriend

Justin Bieber, contributor (as sung to Zack Newkirk, staff) If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go. I can take you places you ain’t never been before. Baby, take a chance or you’ll never ever know. I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow. Swag, swag, swag, on you. Chillin’ by the fire while …

Read More »

Rappers’ Real Names

It’s often surprising to hear a rapper’s real name contrasted with his or her stage name. Snoop Doggy Dogg is really named Calvin Broadus, for instance. Wow. Wow. Here are some more real, given birth names of some famous rappers. You might be shocked: Ice Cube — Real name: O’Shea Jackson. Wow. Dr. Dre — Real name: Andre Young. Are …

Read More »