Zack Newkirk

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“Dang I Was Late” an Essay from the Millennials

Dang. I popped up onto my single-gear, threw my messenger bag over my shoulder, started skedaddling. Like a Vine, six secs later, I was moving. Dang. I had to make it by opening. I had to, dang it. I shriddled down the lane; my beard was a Facebook avatar rainbow flag, flapping in the wind. I wouldn’t miss another cultural …

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David Lee Roth’s Tips for Success

Van Halen vocalist David Lee Roth has lived quite the life. He’s had ups and downs, highs and lows, but all in all, his has been a life filled with success, whether as a singer, an actor, an author, or a celebrity. Recently Diamond Dave sat down with Savage Henry to talk about some of his keys to a successful …

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2015 NBA Draft Recap

Wow, what a draft. There were some picks we expected, and then there were some surprises, too. Here’s some analysis: 1) Karl-Anthony Towns, Minnesota Timberwolves What can you say about this guy that hasn’t been said? Skilled defensive player, archetypal size for a player who projects to be a Kevin Garnett-like stretch 4 some day, and he can fit 2 …

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13 Things You Might Not Have Known about Your Fave Celebs

1) John Goodman isn’t “good.” He’s a child murderer! 2) Ellen DeGeneres’ hair is actually a wig made of spaghetti! 3) Robert Pattinson once ate a Jack Russell terrier in a Target bathroom! 4) Drake the rapper isn’t who you think he is. He’s actually two sand sharks in a trench coat! 5) Miley Cyrus? Not a virgin! 6) Dave …

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Cormac McCarthy Yelp Reviews

Hearken to the emptiness of the moon. Seven vested creatures shuffle over earth caked with blood. I cant hear you, said the guide as they ran him through with a pike. Entrails spilled and screams of no and no and please and help and no again as they left him for the scavengers and their red breath. I could do …

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Reasons You Should Have Your Mole Checked

Hemlines are up, and so are rates of skin cancer. But if you’re addicted to that burn anyway, here are seven signs you should look for if you’re concerned at all about dying from a completely preventable disease: 1)  YOUR MOLE SPEAKS IN SPANISH Moles shouldn’t speak at all. If your mole speaks in Spanish, it’s a sign that the …

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Obvious Jokes (“Jokes”)

Zack Newkirk, staff   Q: What do you call Bobcat Goldthwait when he’s trying to reach his goal weight? A: Bobcat Goalweight   Q: What do you call Johnny Carson when he’s trying to get his son into his car? A: Johnny “Car””son”   Q: What do you call Ace of Base when they are playing in a celebrity baseball …

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The Marlboro Man Smokes His Last: Remembering an Icon: A Work of Fiction: The Guy Who Was the Marlboro Man in the Old Ads Died Recently

Zack Newkirk, staff It was a day like any other, only now, the Marlboro man was older. His chiseled jaw still sported just the right amount of sexy stubble, except presently it was grey rather than cobalt. The rugged ol’ silver fox, keepin’ on like always. He lit up his Marlboro red and surveyed the fence line. “Smooth,” he said …

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The Top 6 Most Racist Athletes

Zack Newkirk, staff It’s a sad fact that in 2015 some close-minded people still discriminate based on skin color. But it’s an even sadder fact that in the past, there were even worse racists than now – and some of them were professional sports players. Here are some of the most racist pro athletes in the history of the world: …

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Census Results: Most Popular Tattoos of 2014

My Government day job (I clean toilets at the jail) has given me access to the most secret files and folders that Big Brother has to offer. I sussed it all out (a guy left some papers in a stall in the downstairs men’s room), and I calculated what the most important recent census data shows. For your reading pleasure, …

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