Adam Jacobs, contributor
Hallelujah, it’s harvest season, that wonderful time of year when our botanical bounty is ripe for the smoking. While this is truly a magical time, we also must be aware of the serious dangers that come with copious amounts of ganja flooding our bongs. I’m not a doctor but I have spent some time in a chill out tent at a music festival so I know all about drug related butt stuff. Oopsy, you lit your dick on fire and accidentally stuck a bong in a friend’s butt — been there done that. Take it from me, massive amounts of marijuana can make you do some really fun shit and usually, some really dumb shit.
Guys, how many times have your balls been accidentally chopped off while trimming those bushy buds? I know, right? When I’m trimming in those hot-ass mountain shacks, I tend to let my balls out of their cage for a breath every now and again, but I don’t stop trimming. And like clockwork, I’m snipping away at a feverish pace, and “Youch!” There go my balls again, and I’m not even on acid. But thanks to some duct tape and gorilla glue, it’s good to gooooo.
What about transportation troubles? Carrying around pounds of puffables can really do a number on your lower back, so the key is to distribute the weight evenly. How do you do that, you ask? Simple: cargo shorts, cargo shirts, cargo hat, and cargo socks. Imagine if you will, cargo pockets on every article of clothing you wear. I mean, how great are cargo shorts? So how great would cargo everything be? Yeah, you do the math, like super mega great.
Let’s talk about one of the biggest buzzkills: moldy weed lung. We’ve all had a stash get moldy but we smoke it anyway because we are fucking savages. To stop moldy weed lung in its tracks, simply swallow a gallon of moth balls per eighth of moldy marijuana. That should counteract the mold. If that doesn’t work, try coughing really hard until you shart out the mold.
We are all friends by now, so can we talk about my least favorite harvest season injury: getting a weed stem stuck in your peehole, boy or girl. It happens, people; I’ve seen it with my own eyes and felt it with my own peehole. During harvest season there are so many stems being tossed about that I’m amazed this doesn’t happen more. If and when this happens to you, it’s important to not freak out. Calmly and feverishly scratch at the stem with a sharp Exacto knife until it becomes dislodged and falls harmlessly to the floor.
Alrighty gang, that’s it for me, I’ve got to get this stem out of my peehole soon. It’s starting to scratch my taint.